In the past, Alec and Shanna, the Tandy (nee TRS-80) Computer Whiz Kids, have teamed up with Superman, Supergirl, and Wonder Woman to foil schemes by masterminding supervillains like Lex Luthor and Major Disaster.
The case could be made they are among the DC Universe's most important characters. Without their help, Metropolis would be a radioactive wasteland, Supergirl would have starved to death in a tiny room, and Superman would be dead. Can you say that about Captain Atom or Hawkman? My figuring puts them at least on Green Arrow's level of importance.
As should be expected with such dynamic characters who have proven themselves time and again as fan favorites, the Tandy Computer Whiz Kids finally got their own title in 1986, no longer relegated to being second-thought supporting characters.
Sure, you might suspect this is the result of Radio Shack no longer wanting to pay DC to license the rights to use its characters for a comic book explaining the history of computers to be handed out free in malls across the country. You probably also prefer to look at a glass as half empty and automatically assume a guy skulking around your neighbor's house, peering in the windows and testing the door handles, is up to no good.
I pity you and your pessimism.
The Tandy Computer Whiz Kids (News by Computer Foils Kidnappers Edition) reintroduces us to Shanna, "Smart" Alec, their teacher, Ms. Wilson, and their classmates with an insatiable appetite for learning about computers, learning that can only come from listening to Shanna and Alec prattle on and on and ultimately going to a museum or science fair to see the exact same computer history exhibit they've seen three times already where they will be reminded about the three guys who won the Nobel Prize for inventing the transistor and stand in a 30 x 50 foot space to illustrate the size of old mainframes with equivalent processing power to the current (as of 1986) desktop computer.
This introduction takes place, as it usually does, on the first day of school--in a school now located in Coastal City instead of Metropolis--and Ms. Wilson, as usual, has three surprises.
Fifty tries? Hang on, Ms. Wilson, let me just have one. Hmm, there is a sheet on your desk covering what appears to be several objects, yet there is only one surpise so they all must be part of a single entity. It looks like there's a TV and a typewriter and maybe a tapedeck and some other electronic components. What one thing could include all those elements? Also, every time you promise us a surprise, the school has gotten a new computer and/or a new computer component. Think think think...
Did you get us a class gerbil?!?!
Hang on! Who the hell is in charge of continuity around here? I'll place the blame on William Palmer, who as both writer and editor should have known that Alec helped explain how to use a modem to Supergirl and used a modem to look up important information about Lex Luthor to save Superman's life. How do you botch an iconic character like "Smart" Alec? If he was writing for Marvel I bet he'd have Iron Man trying to punch Captain America's head off his shoulders, Mr. Fantastic using his scientific genius to hunt other superheroes, and Spider-Man endangering his loved ones to reveal his secret identity. What a fucking hack!
After gushing over all the information you can look up with a modem--news, sports, and weather!--and suggesting ways ("running a newspaper route, washing cars, and mowing lawns") to earn money to purchase the Science Fair 200 In One Electronic Project for a reasonable price at Radio Shack, the kids learn they're second surprise is a visit from someone exciting. Is it Green Lantern? How about the Flash? Metamorpho?
For starters, what a disappointment. Sure, the students are excited, but that's not saying much considering they get excited about everything, including field trips they haven't even been on yet and photographs of Nobel Prize winners.
Also, let me make you an ironclad Ye Olde Guarantee. If you ever see me at a convention or in a comic store and say, "Hey, you're that guy from Ye Olde Comick Booke Blogge! Hello, Jake!", I hereby promise I will not introduce myself by name in my first sentence to you. It's no wonder Palmer couldn't remember that Alec knows about modems if he couldn't remember that Detective Shaw was "a person [the students] all know and admire" from a sentence earlier and had been greeted by name in the exact same panel!
It appears short term memory loss is an epidemic in Coastal City as the next panel features Ms. Wilson repeating that Detective Shaw is there to share important safety information, only to have this following frame:
One might suspect, based on his speech pattern, that the reason Detective Shaw insists on "repeating what Ms. Wilson said" is that he's actually a macaw in a suit and tie. "Boys and girls, Detective Shaw is a pretty boy. Pretty boy! Pretty boy! RAWK!"
Unfortunately, once he gets to the important information, he doesn't repeat himself, but rather just starts rattling off advice to avoid being kidnapped without even giving the kids time to grab a pencil and take notes.
1. Know how to reach your parents if they go out.
2. Make sure the doors and windows are locked when you're home alone.
3. Never open the door for people you don't know.
After this, Detective Shaw abandons the orderly numerical system of advice and starts chattering on like a homeless man at a bus stop.
"Oh, and candy! Don't take that from strangers. Presents either. And, um, what else? Tell your teachers if you see someone suspicious lurking around school." Clearly, Palmer was given a pamphlet about kidnapping and runaways and tried to cram every fact into two pages so he could get back to hawking Radio Shack products.
In fact, after a while, Detective Shaw's disjointed rambling starts to feel like vamping, like when an actor misses a entrance cue and the people on stage have to keep talking until he comes out. In this case, it seems more like the sound effects guy missed his beeper cue.
What could his next line have been if he hadn't been cut off? "What I didn't expect to hear was... what?" There's not really anywhere that line can go. Whatever it is, it's not important enough from him to finish the thought before running off to call his mistress.
Overall, it's a pretty fucking intense speech for the first twenty minutes of the first day of school. "Hey, kids, welcome back from vacation. Look, we have new computers. Oh, and always remember you are a target for white slavers and pedophiles! Never let your guard down for a second or your family may never see you again until your head turns up in a drainage ditch! Now let's do some long division."
The most surprising part of the third surprise is its lack of originality. The class is informed it will be going to the State Fair, where Alec and Shanna will help set up a Tandy computer as a science project. In other words, the exact same third surprise from when Wonder Woman came to visit.
Meanwhile, a pair of kidnappers is planning to nab a kid at the State Fair for "The Customer," who will sell the kid and forged adoption papers overseas.
Instead of sharing her suspicions with a security guard, Shanna rushes back to check the computer and skim the last few months worth of news stories to see if anyone with a scar on his face is mentioned. Sure enough, "Scarface" Jack Williams, a kidnapper, had evaded police recently. Sadly, in the time it took to get the modem to connect, log on, access the newspaper's database, and read every story from the last three months, eighteen kids were tossed into the back of a van, driven to the docks, and loaded onto a freighter bound for Laos.
Or at least that's what would have happened in that time frame if the kidnappers weren't incredibly inept.
Instead, the kids page Detective Shaw, who happens to already be at the fair along with what has to be the majority--if not all--of the city's plain clothes cops.
"So, how's the battery on that thing?"
"Great. I can talk for almost fifteen minutes on a good day."
"Awesome! And it's not too heavy."
"Not really. It's only about 24 pounds and it has this shoulder strap to make it easier to carry."
"Incredible. Radio Shack sure has some great produc--huh? Oh, right! The kidnappers!"
What's the point of taking Alec? He didn't see "Scarface" Jack. In fact, wouldn't the better point to make here be, "Shanna, I need you to come with me to see if you can spot that guy again. Fortunately, Alec is here to finish setting up and keep an eye on your science project so you don't have to leave a 'Be back later' sign"?
For whatever reason, Alec tags along, though it quickly becomes apparent neither of the kids was really necessary to track down the kidnappers, as "subtlety" is hardly part of their gameplan.
"Hmmm, I'm not a detective of your caliber, Detective Shaw, but I suspect the lady standing out in the open, next to the van that conspicuously parked in the middle of a wide open pedestrian walkway, talking to little kids in broad daylight while the driver, a suspected kidnapper, nervously revs the engine, might be up to something!"
Oh, and just in case that was too understated...
Once Detective Shaw drops the boom, "Scarface" Jack rabbits, but doesn't get far, crashing the van and trying to escape on foot only to be caught by Shaw when... um... well, I'm not really sure what happens. See if this makes any sense to you.
One minute he's aiming at the cop; the next he's firing into the air. Then Detective Shaw trips in the second panel, but still manages to catch up and slap cuffs on the bad guy a frame later.
And that final line has this tone that makes me think it was supposed to read like one of those action film, "good guy defeats the bad guy" one liners like saying the guy you just strangled to death was "a pain in the neck" or the guy you cut in half with a chainsaw "had to split." But unless "Scarface" Jack was stealing newspapers or had problems with his veins, the "out of circulation" line just falls flat.
With the kidnappers in jail, there's nothing left to do but extoll the virtues of Radio Shack's Tandy computers and collect praise from the Mayor.
Wow, that should be nearly one-millionth as cool as when they were given the key to the city and shared the stage with both Wonder Woman and Superman.
Holy crap! Another of these damn things? Based upon my thorough research, I've come to the conclusion there were eleven comics starring the TRS-80 Computer Whiz Kids, though they eventually become the Tandy Computer Whiz Kids and the DC heroes stop hanging out with them.
I have six of those issues sitting here on my desk and will eventually get to them all, despite the fact a majority of my regular readers have said, "Oh, I just don't have it in me to read another of those Radio Shack things..."
Superman and Wonder Woman and the TRS-80 Computer Whiz Kids in The Computer Masters of Metropolis is the last Radio Shack/DC crossover. Excuse me... sniff... this is like the last day of summer camp...
Obviously, Flash, Green Lantern and their ilk were intimidated to share page space with the dynamic "Smart" Alec, Shanna, and Supergirl's mistress, Ms. Wilson--who in this issue appears to have come to class directly from her dinner theatre portrayal of Laura Ingalls Wilder.
How did an entire classroom of kids walk in, sit at their desks, and not notice the bank of sixteen new computers behind them? Also, speaking as someone who went to an American public school in 1981, what kind of budget does the Metropolis Unified School District have? I assumed "computers" were only in movies until I was in second grade, didn't actually see one until 1983, and, even then, that one was shared by all the first through sixth grade classes.
Maybe when Superman tunnelled into their classroom, he hit an oil gusher and now the school is super rich like that very special episode of "Saved By the Bell" where Becky the Duck died we all learned a lesson about environmentalism. Holy crap, Becky the Duck has her own Wikipedia entry. The internet is the greatest thing there ever has been or ever will be.
As you can see, Radio Shack's obligatory product-placement-that-has-nothing-to-do-with-the-story for this issue is the controller that networks a bank of computers together. This allows Ms. Wilson to neglect her teacherly duties and conduct class simply by pressing a button, giving her ample opportunity to kick back and fantasize about Supergirl. She promises the kids if they get their work done on time and don't ask questions about the the low buzzing noise coming from under her desk, they'll get a surprise.
A surprise? I wonder if it could be related to a superhero™ visiting and lecturing them about computers, giving Alec and Shanna a chance to hog the spotlight by showing off their ability to write BASIC programs or look stuff up on the "not yet the internet"? Only time will tell.
Sure enough, they finish on time, being "old pros with the TRS-80 Color Computers," and get their surprise.
A stripper dressed like Wonder Woman! This is the best birthday party ev--what? Oh... she's the real Wonder Woman? I guess that's cool too.
Since apparently all the world's criminals are safely behind bars, no houses are on fire anywhere, all international strife has been quelled for the afternoon, and no one is going to bed hungry tonight, Wonder Woman announces she's going to spend the afternoon taking the kids on a field trip to the Metropolis World's Fair... where the kids just might meet someone both they and Wonder Woman know.
Someone influential from Metropolis who has been seen hanging out with both Wonder Woman and the TRS-80 Computer Whiz Kids... hmmm... can I get another clue? Edwin Meese?
Uh-oh, I spoke too soon about that "all criminals being behind bars" thing. Lex Luthor he's pissed at the Metropolis World's Fair. The theme for this year is "the advancements of science and technology in the 1980's," yet the fair rejected all of Lex's submissions for display because they didn't want to stroke his ego, despite admitting "he's the greatest scientific mind in the world."
Frankly, I'm on Luthor's side. I'd be pissed too. I mean Linus Pauling once stabbed a man in the face with a broken beer bottle, but you don't see people rejecting the principle of molecular biology. Who are the organizers of a glorified county fair to judge his contributions to the world of science?
Okay, hang on, "greatest scientific mind in the world." I need to get off track here for a second and tell you a little bit about me. Those of you who don't care can skip ahead to the bolded part four paragraphs down.
As I've mentioned here before, I graduated with my Masters in Business Administration last December. I also teach prepratory classes for potential MBA students and conduct "how to get into business school" seminars at Arizona State University.
As part of the class, we cover the topic of argument analysis--which isn't important, but is the source of the following example. One of our discussions in class covers an argument someone made that all commercial airliners should have transponders on them to broadcast their position to other planes, reducing the odds of midair collisions. Since neither a budget estimate nor the present ratio of midair collisions per flight are presented, those becom a focus of the analysis.
For example, let's say there is one midair collision every five years and the cost of a midair collision in terms of property and life is $20 million dollars. Developing, installing, and maintaining the transponder system will cost approximately $4 million dollars a year and reduce the odds of a midair collision by 90%.
That means it will cost you $44 million dollars per decade to install the system or $40 million to do nothing and let two midair collisions occur every ten years. Therefore, the correct decision, given this information, is to let them crash.
With that said (this is the part to start reading again):
A billion dollars? You want a billion dollars or you'll shut down the fair that's probably worth, at most, $100 million? In the most optimistic projections, this fair is going to generate $5 million in revenue. Screw it, Luthor, destroy the damn thing and see where it gets you.
A billion dollars. You might as well threaten to eat the 3 Musketeers bar in my desk drawer unless I deposit eighteen dollars in your Swiss bank account.
In the classroom, Wonder Woman's still not done talking about computers and Alec isn't done reminding us that he's an obnoxious little shit.
Sadly, the warrior princess doesn't punch her fist through Alec's skull nor threaten his family if he opens his mouth again. She doesn't even tie him up with her lasso and make him confess that he wets the bed or that he takes a little more time than necessary while folding his mother's panties on laundry day.
Instead, Wonder Woman politely explains that revealing her computer use doesn't threaten her secret identity as millions of people "come into contact with computers on a daily basis." Then it's time to get on the bus for the science fair.
What a little kiss ass. Then again, if you were in a class where Alec and Shanna were the only two kids who ever got to say anything of substance, you'd probably be starved for attention too.
Alright, I'm going to skip the next ten pages. Sufficed to say, they go to the science fair and walk through a exhibition that is almost exactly the same as the one Supergirl missed at the science museum. So, computers used to be really big, now they are small because three American scientists invented the transistor and were jointly awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics, which led to the invention of integrated circuits and the silicon chip. Keyboards are input devices; monitors are output devices. Blah blah blah.
Meanwhile, Superman is flying around the fair in circles looking for Lex Luthor, but coming up empty because Luthor is in a secret hideout beneath the fair--one with lead-lined walls. Personally, if I were Superman, I think a huge vault I couldn't see into, curiously built directly beneath the place Lex Luthor had promised to strike, would catch my attention. It's not like lead-lined walls make the hideout inivisible. If anything, it would make it more noticeable.
Think about it. Superman can see through anything, the way we can see through clear water. Assume I told you I'd hidden a dollar in my pool. You look in the pool but don't see the dollar. All you see is a metal box resting on the bottom of the pool. Would you assume the dollar is too well hidden or would you fish out the box and crack it open? A lead-lined cave would look to Superman the way a metal box at the bottom of the pool would look to you.
After the fair visit, Wonder Woman and the class return to the school to talk more about computers right up until the final bell.
Ooo, Supergirl's going to be jealous. Some people like hero sandwiches, but Ms. Wilson is thinking about a superhero™ sandwich.
I'm going to have to Photoshop a Supergirl, Ms. Wilson, Wonder Woman menage a trois one of these days. I'll include captions of the kids saying "Oh, wow! Far out! Super!"
Sexualization of Radio Shack promotional materials aimed at children aside, the fair rejects Luthor's demands because they have the one man smarter than him: Superman. So Luthor comes out of hiding and flies past Supes, baiting the Man of Steel into chasing him.
Okay, according to the yahoo running the fair, these two are the smartest men in the world. Superman is the only person on Earth capable of locking wits with Lex Luthor, yet is there anyone other than Superman who who doesn't recognize this as a trap?
Luthor lures Superman into the planetarium with the temptation of the quick and easy nab, but flips on his red solar power generators which he's moved from the casino in the last issue to here. Powerless, Superman dies when Lex puts a gun to the hero's temple and blows his brains all over the floor, leaving Luthor free to conquer the world.
Or maybe he just rigs the door with explosives and locks Superman inside... with a phone.
Superman knows Luthor will strike at the building where he wanted his creations displayed, but can't remember where that is with his red solar-faded memory. When he can't get through to the Daily Planet, where does he turn? Batman? The police? Green Lantern? The Justice League switchboard?
Good Christ...
You're telling me Superman couldn't remember that Luthor wanted the computer and electronics exhibit named the Lex Luthor Pavilion, but he could remember Alec's home phone number?
Alec calls Shanna, who calls the fairgrounds to have Wonder Woman paged over the PA. Wonder Woman, who was there in her civilian identity, hurries to the planetarium, but can't open the door without setting off the bomb and killing the non-invulnerable Superman inside. Instead, she lassos the building, rips it off its foundation, and hurls it into the sky.
That'll teach Luthor! He'd threatened to tear this place to the ground one building at a time, but Wonder Woman and Superman sure showed him by... um... destroying one of the buildings.
Damn, that Luthor is good.
Armed with the important information Shanna provided by looking up a Daily Planet article about Luthor and the fair online, they quickly find Luthor. Of course, even without the information from Shanna, how long could it possibly have taken for Superman and Wonder Woman to spot a bald man in a purple and green outfit flying around the rooftops of the various World's Fair buildings?
You know what, "greatest scientific mind in the world?" Maybe you should use the goddamn things instead of just pointing them out. Did you expect Superman to say, "What? Power gauntlets? Wonder Woman, untie him!"
I fully believe Lex wanted to get caught. Maybe it's pizza night at the county lockup.
Alec makes a good point. For that matter they didn't do anything anybody couldn't do without a TRS-80 Color Computer. They made two phone calls and used the computer to look up a single piece of information that ultimately proved superfluous. Superman could have dialed seven digits at random and the results would likely have been the same.
Previously on Superman in Victory By Computer: Starring The TRS-80 Computer Whiz Kids and Special Guest Star Supergirl...
- Superman and Supergirl tried to sell some trumped up calculators to school children.
- Supergirl flirted with a teacher.
- Supergirl invented the concept of the internet.
- In a desperate attempt to avoid further contact with obnoxious sixth graders, Supergirl got herself trapped by bad guys.
Supergirl wakes up alone in a plush room. She can't see through the wall because her x-ray vision is too weak. She comes to the conclusion that the solar panels are emitting red solar radiation into the room, keeping her powerless. Which brings up a point anchormonster Morbo made after reading the first half of this review...
Solar panels collect solar energy and convert... they don't emit beams of radia... you know what? Fuck it. These solar panels are also radiation guns that create a level of solar energy capable of rendering Kryptonians powerless and power an entire mansion full of complex electronic devices... like guns that create a level of solar energy capable of rendering Kryptonians powerless.Regardless of the logic behind it happening, Supergirl is powerless and is fully aware of that fact. So, what's a girl to do?
Please, kids, always remember that if you lose all your superpowers, that will include your superstrength!There are two doors to exit the room. Outside one, a guard can be heard through the door, reading a magazine...
Hang on, did this just become a text-based adventure?
You awaken in a LUXURIOUS ROOM without any windows. There are two exits, one NORTH and one WEST.
>WEST
That door is locked. You can hear someone outside, reading a magazine.
>KNOCK ON DOOR
Are you sure you want to do that?
>KNOCK ON DOOR
He is probably a guard. Are you sure you want to KNOCK ON DOOR?
>NORTH
That door is locked.
>LOOK DOOR
The door is orange with two large letter P's and two dice decorating it. It is locked, though you believe you could probably pick the lock if you had the right tools.
>INV
You are carrying a TRS-80 POCKET COMPUTER.
>USE COMPUTER
That will not work here.
>LOOK
There is a desk.
>OPEN DESK
In the drawer, there is a paperclip.
>STRAIGHTEN PAPERCLIP, PICK LOCK, OPEN DOOR, NORTH
You are in GAME ROOM.
Why even tell them you are Supergirl? Just call the police and say you're being held prisoner, and, regardless of who you are, they should at send a cruiser by to check out the situation. What kind of police officers does Metropolis have who would reply to a woman's calling in a report of being kidnapped with a chuckle and a disconnect? Rather than take the chance of being thought a practical joker, Supergirl turns to the TRS-80 Computer Whiz Kids. She figures out she's being held at the Purple Palace, a place that's recently shown up in some headlines, though she can't remember why despite having read every Daily Planet article ever written just a few hours earlier. She also can't remember how she got there or where the place is, even in general terms.
However, she has no trouble remembering the number printed on the phone that the TRS-80 Wonder Kids used the day before. Yes, it's up to the Alec and Shanna to use the not-yet-referred-to-as-internet to get Supergirl rescued.
And you thought it was pathetic when she couldn't beat up a stupid monster without Brainiac 5.
Fortunately, using the Videotek is as easy as one...
Two...
Thr--well, actually, there were about four steps there--five if you count listening for a high pitched signal as a seperate step. At this point, writer Cary Bates has completely given up on this story and is just copying his dialogue directly from the Videotek instructional manual. You can tell because if he were still trying to squeeze a good story from this nonsense, the kids would at least be saying something like, "Oh, wow! Far out! Super!" He also starts dropping deus ex machinas like he bought them really cheap because their expiration date is tomorrow.
The kids find some articles about the Purple Palace, including its street address, and call her back.
What kind of idiot did the bad guys post outside that door who doesn't get the least bit suspicious when the prisoner starts receiving phone calls in a locked office? Deus ex machina #1: Superman arrives as soon as the kids hang up the phone.
He takes off to save Supergirl, but finds...Deus ex machina #2: she's found a secret escape tunnel.
But considering there are no criminals around, except the phantom magazine reading guard, what can Superman and Supergirl do but wait five seconds for...Deus ex machina #3: Lex Luthor's gang shows up at that exact moment.
... and forunately...Deus ex machina #4: Supergirl red solar radiation wears off at that exact moment.
It should be noted, these last four panels are all from the final two pages of the book, adding to their deus ex machina-ness.We learn the red solar panels were all part of Luthor's scheme to get out of prison by exchanging Supergirl for his freedom. Not to nitpick, but Luthor promised he would escape the day before, which he failed to do. Second, if he planned to use Supergirl as some kind of negotiating chip, shouldn't he have mentioned to someone that his goons had her in custody? He put a lot of time and effort into this plan just to forget the part where he actually demands a ransom of some sort.
I fully believed I'd learned everything in the world there was to learn about computers from Superman in The Computers that Saved Metropolis: Starring the TRS-80 Computer Whiz Kids.
Then again, I'm an American so I tend to assume things like "if I go to a foreign country, kidnap your brother, and apply jumper cables attached to a truck battery to his genitals, you'll welcome me as a liberator." I also am the result of an education system that Peruvian tree people snicker at behind its back. "Hee hee hee," they chuckle while the American education system searches in vain for the corner of the round room into which the Peruvian tree people placed it with instructions to pee in the corner, "we've never even seen an internal combustion vehicle and even we understand creationism cannot hold up to even the least rigorous of academic standards."
My point is, you should be surprised when I tell you I was wrong. Wrong! There was much more to know about computers than Superman ever let on back when he and two plucky fifth graders used BASIC to convert Celcius temperatures to Farenheit and to prevent a nuclear powerplant from melting down. So much, in fact, Superman couldn't explain it all himself, forcing him to turn to his cousin, Supergirl.
Because there's no better way to convey the importance of information than by pawning its dispersion off on your cousin who is a lame knock-off of yourself in a skirt.
As with its predecessor, the story of Superman in Victory By Computer: Starring The TRS-80 Computer Whiz Kids and Special Guest Star Supergirl is set into motion when Superman visits Ms. Wilson's class at "a certain Metropolis elementary school" to give kids the hard sell on Radio Shack items.
For those keeping track, Superman will not use his superspeed to clown around, but he will use it to rid Jimmy Olsen's apartment of cockroaches, to build a Viking warship, to compete with children to see who can solve simple math problems fastest, and to cheat at gambling. Given your track record, Supes, I don't really think you can take much offense to Alec's assumption you might be doing something superstupid with your powers.
This time around, however, Superman and Supergirl are straight up shills. This TRS-80 Pocket Computer plays no further role in the story. This was simply product placement done more blantantly than Will Smith or the I, Robot producers ever imagined possible.
Superman assures the students the Pocket Computer can do far more than a calculator and offers to demonstrate, but is called away because Lex Luthor has vowed not only to get out of jail that day, but that Superman himself will be the one to open the door. Superman logically concludes he should fly to the prison and stand beside said door as an act of defiance to Luthor... or something. Honestly, I think he just knew he couldn't take another afternoon of "Smart" Alec and made an excuse to shuffle off and leave Supergirl on the hook.
You know why they call it a secret identity? Because you're not supposed to drop little hints about it to everyone you've known for three minutes.
Judging by the way she's looking at Ms. Wilson, though, Supergirl doesn't appear to have secret identity protection as her number one priority. To illustrate my point, look at the same panel with captions from an actual porno comic photoshopped in.
Instead of pitting her superbrain against the Pocket Computer at a game of Global Thermonuclear War "who can figure out the volume of a cylinder the fastest," Supergirl quickly gives up on the lecture idea and makes the kids be the teachers, telling her everything they know about the TRS-80's Information Retrieval Service. Of course, the only thing deadlier to a Kryptonian than kryptonite is admitting they might not know something.
Alec and Shanna go through the eight steps of plugging in the modem, calling the service, listening to the highpitched tone, placing the receiver on the modem, and the entire logging-in process. Supergirl is hip to something even bigger than the Information Retrieval System and explains the TRS-80 Videotex concept by comparing it to having superpowers.
"Imagine non-stop electronic mail reminders offering you opportunities to make your penis grow larger, to purchase prescription drugs, and to meet hot cheating MILFs in your hometown! Visualize an auction house large enough to accomodate the entire world, where all the citizens of the planet could gather and bid on Welcome Back, Kotter lunchboxes and Chuck Norris comic book cover art. Exiled Nigerian royalty will contact you with multimillion dollar business proposals! And the pornography! More than you'll ever be able to look at in ten lifetimes!"
Al Gore didn't invent the internet! Supergirl did!
She drives home the superpowers comparison by challenging the kids to see who can find information about Lex Luthor the fastest.
Since the first challenge ended in a tie, the kids do a Google search for "Sonic the Hedgehog hentai" while Supergirl draws a picture of Tails orally pleasuring Rotor on the chalkboard. They are interupted when the teacher announces it is time for them to board the bus for their big surprise field trip to the science museum where they'll talk about computers for the rest of the day.
Even Supergirl is fed up with these kids by now and promises to meet them at the museum as soon as she's done doing a patrol of Metropolis and all outlying areas. After about half an hour, the tour guide starts without her. Considering Supergirl can read every article the Daily Planet has printed in a century or more of publishing, I think the guide made the right call in assuming they'd been stood up.
In actuality, Supergirl was falling into a trap that would play a part in Lex Luthor's plan to get out of jail free.
Note the yellow solar panels on the house? They switch to red and Supergirl is rendered powerless.
While the kids go on a tour of the museum and recap everything we learned about computers in SiTCtSM: StTRS-80CWK, highlighted by the moment when the entire class gives a hearty round of applause to a photograph of the men who won the Nobel Prize for inventing the transistor. As much as Superman would like to stomp his feet and light a match for Hans Karl August Simon von Euler-Chelpin, he has to go save his cousin.
Part Two
Up top, let me just say this was much harder to write than I thought it would be. As with any computer-based story from the 1980's, this comic is ripe with images that are comical today for the simple fact they weren't comical then. For example, a cassette deck connected to a computer or that BASIC program every kid in elementary school at that time learned, allowing his computer to fill the screen by repeatedly printing: "I AM YOUR COMPUTER!"
I've tried my best to get away from just making jokes of "Ha ha, computers were slower back then! The 80's were crap!" I'm sure I would have similar problems were I to come across a comic in which Superman has to solve a Rubik's Cube to save Pat Benatar from an army of Wacky Wallwalkers wearing parachute pants.
With that said, I return you to regular programming.
Ah, computers. What the hell ever happened to those crazy machines? There was quite a trend toward those things in the 1980's but I haven't heard much of them ever since. I guess after that Terminator movie with the bodybuilder guy from Austria, people got a little nervous and they went the way of parachute pants and Rubik's Cubes.
Fortunately, for those of us who want to tell our kids about those bygone days, we can always turn to Superman in The Computers that Saved Metropolis: Starring the TRS-80 Computer Whiz Kids for evidence that once upon a time it was actually predicted computers might play a daily role in all our lives--
Crazy...
--and the best part is thanks to the good people at Radio Shack, it didn't cost a dime to do so.
SiTCtSM:StTRS-80WK tells the exciting story of the day Superman went to give a guest lecture in an elementary school. Of course, being Superman, he can't just walk in the front door.
You may be curious what's in those black cases, but as Superman assures the kids in the classroom, it would be hard for you to believe without five or six pages of blather taken directly from a Radio Shack marketing statement "some background information first."
"Grrr! Anything but information about computers! Why are you wasting our time, Superman! We all know computers are never going to have any effect on our lives! They are only for the super rich and astronauts! This is another of those comics where every statement is followed by an exclamation point!
That kid is Alec, the skeptic who thinks learning about computers might be boring. Boy oh boy, is he ever proven wrong when Superman starts telling the kids about 1945, because if there's one way to keep an smartass ten-year-old occupied it's by telling him stories about before TV was invented. Perhaps there's a nice yarn about a zeppelin you could spin, Superman. Even writer Cary Bates knows this is boring because he ends nearly half the sentences in periods instead of exclamation points.
The history lesson was all to set up the idea that computers are behemoths that weigh thirty tons, are housed in 50' x 30' rooms, and require a punchcard system to input data. Once the kids are suitably convinced they will never see a computer in their lifetime, they get a lesson in the word of possibilities presented by microprocessors.
User manuals?!? Hot diggity damn! Soon we'll all be performing calculations like there's no tomorrow! Why hasn't anyone ever thought of such a machine before? Some kind of a calcula...tion-tor?
In case you're wondering where Superman got that little tidbit about the price comparison with the good camera, perhaps he was reading the ads from earlier in the comic.
Unfortunately, the rest of the world doesn't have the common courtesy to let Supeman explain BASIC programming to the kids before suffering a crisis of some sort, so Superman has to fly off while the kids rely on the user manuals. A tornado is tearing through downtown Metropolis, but its no match for a Superman.
Crisis averted, Superman returns to the thilling setting of a classroom full of children inputing sample problems from their user's manuals.
I've never really liked the superintelligence power for Superman. I'm willing to accept that the yellow rays of the sun somehow make him stronger and able to fly and give his eyes the ability to melt steel while also being extra sensative to a wider spectrum of light, but saying his brain also developed to make him the smartest person on Earth was a little much for me. However, Superman's superbrain is a crucial part of this story, as it becomes the yardstick against which the TRS-80 is measured.
I've already said I take umbrage with Superman being supersmart, but I have further issues with the idea that after you type in a four-line program you can think as fast as Superman. I bet that girl could tie the Flash in a mile sprint if he spotted her the first 5,279 feet too.
Seeing that a stupid girl can be as smart as Superman with a TRS-80, Alec figures a boy can be even smarter... if you "just give [him] a little while to enter the program!" Superman waits patiently, resisting the urge to use his heat vision to boil the little shit's brain inside his skull, but when it's time to hit the RUN button, Superman's brain goes caca, prompting Alec to become even less likeable.
This is why I would make a lousy Superman. In this situation, I would politely inform the kid that while he may have successfully pressed a button faster than I could calculate a circle's circumference, I could fuck his mother at any time of day or night and even if his father knew when I was going to do it, there's nothing he, the police, or any force on Earth could do to stop me. I also would point out that if I spit gently in his direction, he would have a hold in his face the size of a saucepan.
Worse, I would then spit in his face and go fuck his mother.
Instead, Superman stands in shame and gets a dressing down by "Smart Alec." We learn, however, that the reason Superman's brain is on the fritz is a result of the tornado. Major Disaster explains that he seeded the tornado with microscopic Kryptonite crystals, which Supes inhaled when he took in the air for his superbreath. These crystals were specially synthesized "not to weaken his super-powers... No, that would be far to simple and obvious!"
Instead, they're fucking with the part of Superman's brain that does geometry.
With Superman unable to fly or properly use his other superpowers, Major Disaster comes on TV and explains there will be three disasters, none of which Superman will be able to stop, thus ushering in the reign of Major Disaster.
Huh? The theory is if some kind of tragic disaster befalls Metropolis and Superman doesn't stop it, everyone will just blindly follow the leadership of the guy responsible for the disaster? No wonder we haven't found Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan. He's been joint mayor of New York and Washington, DC for the last five years.
His superbrain unable to do the complex mathematics necessary to carry out his job, Superman concludes he could use a computer to help him, but Disaster also crippled every computer within a few hundred miles... except two. Unable to fly to the school, he has to resort to another means of conveyance.
This is the second time Superman refers to the teacher by her first name--earlier he corrects himself--implying a more personal than professional relationship. At least that's what I thought until I realized her name is Margaret Wilson and the only way Superman could be interested would be if her name was Largaret Lilson.
After crashing through the floor, he explains he was "forced to take and underground route for safety's sake" because he "can't risk making too many flying entrances." What he doesn't explain though is why if he's afraid of the effects the inaccuracy of his superpowers could have while flying, he opted for the means of getting from here to there that would bring him in closest contact to gas lines, sewer mains, and power lines. I was thinking of walking, but to each his own, huh, Supes?
Superman explains the situation and tells the kids they'll have to man the computers and talk to him through radio headsets. He'll feed them information from the scenes of the disasters, they'll punch it into the computers, and the resulting calculations will tell Superman how to save the day.
Shall we run through a list of better plans?
A. Call Green Lantern
B. Call Captain Marvel
C. Call Martian Manhunter
D. Call Wonder Woman
E. Call Power Girl
F. Call Aquaman
G. Call Dr. Fate
H. Call Blue Beetle
I. Call Lex Luthor (Do you think Luthor's going to stand by and let Major Disaster be the one that finally takes down Superman?)
J. Call some actual professional computer programmers and have them run the computers instead of putting thousands of lives in the hands of the kids who 23 hours earlier thought having the computer tell them "I AM YOUR NEW TRS-80 MICROCOMPUTER" was "far out" and that pressing "RUN" made them smarter than Superman.
Flying in the face of common sense, the kids settle into their seats and Superman takes off for the first disaster, a plane that's been struck by lightning. It should be noted Superman has no trouble flying now, though he stops when he gets to the plane unsure of what to do.
First off, how is it Superman's supervision and other superinformation-gathering senses are working just fine? If that's the case, what's stopping him from being able to save the plane? When someone throws you a baseball, your brain automatically calculates the parabolic curve of the ball and moves your hand to the space the ball will eventually occupy, allowing you to catch it. It's a mostly natural instinct and if it's beyond your ability, odds are measuring the ball's velocity, mass, exact angle of it descent, and the speed of any prevailing headwinds is probably likewise beyond your abilities.
Second, what are the kids going to do if their answers don't match? Press "RUN" again?
Third, if that plane has a forward velocity of 505 miles an hour at a 44 degree downward angle, it is heading for the ground at about 22,000 feet per second. Forget acceleration due to gravity and assume the plane is presently at an altitude of 35,000 feet (even though it was already plummetting toward Earth before Superman even left the school). This is how this scene should play out:
Superman: All right, team, here goes! According to my--(Transmission drowned out by sound of exploding fuel tanks, twisting metal, and screams of dying passengers.)
If the plane is merely falling from about 40,000 feet and that speed of 505 miles an hour is entirely parallel to the ground, the passengers have about 50 seconds before they crash. In which case it would play out more like:
Superman: All right, team, here goes! According to my super-vision...
10 REM SAVE PLANE FROM CRASHING
20 LET A=44
30 LET S=505
40 LET F=S*5280/3600
50 PRINT S; "MILES PER HOUR="F;"FEET PER SECOND"
60 LET H=63
(Transmission drowned out by sound of exploding fuel tanks, twisting metal, and screams of dying passengers.)
Not to mention that since Radio Shack probably didn't include a "How to calculate the proper intercept course for a crashing jetliner" program in the user's manual, those kids are going to be clueless what to do with all Superman's information.
The next disaster is a flood caused by a rupture in the Metropolis Resevoir.
It seems to me the solution would just entail shooting heat vision at the water until it evaporates. Why does he need an exact time frame? If he left a few hundred gallons over the area of a few city blocks, is that going to affect anyone?
The final disaster is a leak at the nuclear power plant north of the city. The kids calculate a way for him to spiral around the radioactive gas and funnel it into space. I won the both the city and state science competitions when I was in seventh grade and I have no idea how I'd begin to calculate this now with Excel, much less when I was 10 and writing BASIC on an Apple II.
After venting the gases, Superman goes after Major Disaster and reveals the Krytonite crystals' effect has worn off. How convenient. I suspect the crystals affected Superman for all of about fifteen minutes, but he saw an opportunity to let the kids feel useful and rolled with it. I mean, this is the guy who's hung out with Jimmy Olsen for more than half a century so we know that's his M.O. "Uh-oh, I can't possibly save this plane without the help of my friends Shanna and Alec!" I bet he let them beat him at touch football too by falling down a lot and saying things like, "Whoa, what a great juke move! I totally thought you were going to your right!"
