Following last night's Republican presidential debate in Texas, Cenk Uygur opened the recap and analysis on The Young Turks by comparing the debate--and then the entire Republican primary race--to the Royal Rumble.
The Prince Who Was PromisedIn many years, the Rumble has what seems an inevitable winner. For three of the past four years, the winner was obvious, and when the writing on the wall isn't as clear, there still are only three or four potential options out of the 30 entrants. Fans spent much of the last four Rumble matches trying to convince themselves maybe WWE would pull a surprise ending instead of taking the most obvious and direct route to its Wrestlemania main event.
For the past two years, Roman Reigns has been put in a position to win. He's a decent if unspectacular wrestler who lacks charisma and stumbles on the microphone, and is being pushed beyond his abilities largely due to his pedigree and successful relatives. Fans haven't taken to him and the more he's been pushed, the more the fans have pushed back, cheering for other wrestlers when he's in the ring... and not just his opponents, but retired and dead stars of the past.
Jeb Bush came into the race as the son of a former President, the bother of another, and with more money than any other candidate--even delaying the announcement of his candidacy so his campaign could coordinate with the SuperPACs that would support him without violating the law. Many Republicans were excited by the potential, but quickly realized Jeb's heart wasn't in it and shifted their support elsewhere. Eventually, Jeb was eliminated, as Reigns was at this year's Rumble. But there is little doubt WWE will have Reigns will win the title in the main event of Wrestlemania, so is there any reason to think Jeb won't be back in 2020?
Scott Walker also would have fit into this category until he actually launched his campaign. It remains to be seen whether he'll be able to weather his disappointing White House attempt or if he's Rick Perry-ed himself forever.
Token Women's OffenseDetractors of both the WWE and the GOP will denounce the organizations as sexist. In an effort to distract from that well-founded accustion, both will sometimes let the girls play too. Chyna, Kharma, and Beth Phoenix have all participated in Royal Rumbles. The game plan is always the same... and should be familiar to anyone who watched Carly Fiorina's campaign.
First, the Diva is announced and the crowd reacts with shock. There's no doubt in anyone's mind that she will lose, but it seems rude to say so out loud. She rushes in to the fray and the men let her take a few shots at them to sell the idea that she belongs and that they respect her. She'll even eliminate someone before some man exerts his dominance, puts her in her place, and she's swiftly eliminated with a "would a woman that strong be part of a sexist organization?" reminder. Meanwhile, men in the audience laugh--most to themselves but some boisterously aloud--at how she's ugly and a bitch, and they celebrate her getting her comeuppance for thinking she was good enough to compete with men.
And little girls sadly shake their heads and accept the fact they're never going to get a fair break.
Promising Talent WastedOne of the biggest criticisms of WWE is its inability to capitalize on innovation. Vince McMahon has been trying to recapture the success of the 1980s Rock 'n Wrestling era for 30 years. Roman Reigns is being groomed to be another John Cena, who is the closest thing Vince has found to the "say your prayers and take your vitamins" Hulk Hogan. Along the way, there have been innumerable other attempts at finding the "next Hulkster," including Lex Luger, Psycho Sid, Rocky Maivia, Billy Gunn, and Tatanka.
Along the way, the company stumbled into the most successful era in the history of wrestling with decidedly non-Hogan-esque stars like "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Mick Foley, the Hardy Boyz, Golddust, Edge and Christian, the Dudleys, Chris Jericho, Eddie Guerrero, Val Venis, and lots more. Still, Vince continued (and continues) to sign and push tall bodybuilders over shorter, less chiseled talents like Dolph Ziggler, C.M. Punk, Daniel Bryan, Bray Wyatt, Neville, and Kevin Owens. Fans cheer for the new talent and new ideas, but WWE continues to push lumbering big men and punishes those who try to be something fresh.
The Republican field also had a handful of fan favorites who never had a chance because they didn't fit the mold. Rand Paul foolishly thought he might convince the GOP that America should address the deficit by not starting wars all over the world. Chris Christie made the mistake of showing gratitude to President Obama in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, and no amount of backpedaling could make up for donating money to Planned Parenthood in the past. John Kasich can't gain traction with the suggestion that drug addicts could be better served by and government money better spent on treatment than prison or that the gay marriage issue has been settled and the country should move on. Instead, the GOP pushes more homophobia, Islamophobia, anti-feminism, fear mongering, and threats to carpet bomb the planet.
Past Stars Surprise ReturnsMy kids and I went to the Royal Rumble in 2013 and I've said several times that Chris Jericho's unexpected entrance was the loudest crowd reaction I've ever heard in my life. Every year, a few of the 30 Rumble slots are reserved for stars of the past to make a surprise appearance. Most of the time, they've lost a step or five, but the fans don't care. Like the token women, it's understood that Diesel, the Godfather, Bubba Ray Dudley, or the Boogeyman aren't going to main event Wrestlemania. They're just there to do their shtick, get a payday, and fire up the crowd with nostalgia.
Likewise, we got return appearances by Rick "Three Departments" Perry, 2012 Iowa Caucus Champion "Dogfucker" Santorum, and "Mad Mike" Huckabee, all playing their greatest homophobic, god-fearing hits before ducking out to cash in on the lecture circuit.
The Job SquadTo fill out 30-man Royal Rumble, you need 30 men, and not everyone can be a star. You need a fair share of Tom Brandys and Heath Slaters and Jinder Mahals and Warlords to march out to the ring and be summarily dismissed, often to comedic effect. These guys are still professional wrestlers and proven themselves in smaller venues, but aren't cut out for the big time. Bobby Jindal, Jim Gilmore, and George Pataki have all been governors, and Lindsey Graham is a high-ranking senator, yet each was the equivalent of an "Okay, I have time to run to the kitchen" entrance at the Rumble.
My daughter loves CM Punk. And as far as idols for an eleven-year-old girl go, I can think of a lot worse than a guy who has defied the odds and found success solely through hard work, who speaks up about the wrongs he sees, and who would rather walk away from something he loves to do than do it half-assed. Not to mention he maintains an alcohol- and drug-free lifestyle without coming off like those preachy, superficial "Just Say No" campaigns from when I was her age. She gets teased a lot at school because girls her age are supposed to like Taylor Swift or Justin Bieber--and they're not suppose to like wrestling--but CM Punk has taught her that being right is liable to get you booed by those who are wrong.
Rumors are buzzing, though, that Punk was unhappy backstage in the weeks leading up to Wrestlemania and wanted to leave the company altogether. Even though it sounds like a work (made up storyline) to me, it's believable enough to gain some traction. Punk's notorious "pipebomb" interview two years ago showed that a heavy dose of truth can be the best fiction of all, and these rumors play on many of the same themes: Punk is unhappy with the way WWE has handled his character. Punk was the company's top villain all year, yet at the top show of the year he was in the back watching John Cena and the Rock during the main event. Punk isn't getting the creative freedom he needs.
In light of Punk's 434 day reign as WWE champion and the promos he cut using the ashes of Undertaker's former manager and friend, the late Paul Bearer, as a prop leading up to Wrestlemania it's hard to argue the WWE doesn't respect him and/or isn't letting him push envelopes. Instead, the problem is everyone on the roster who isn't CM Punk or John Cena or a handful of other approved superstars. Punk's departure is worrisome not because the WWE doesn't have the talent to fill his spot, but because the WWE hasn't seemed willing to let that talent do so.
Tonight, my daughter suggested she might stop watching wrestling until August since CM Punk is currently the only reason she watches. I pointed out all the talent on the roster, including many other wrestlers she enjoys, but she was quick with a counterpoint.
This season, I finally gave up on "Walking Dead." I learned my lesson with "Lost" and am not eager to repeat it. In both cases, rabid fan bases ignore the salient fact that the show they want ever so badly to use all the tools at its disposal and be great is not very good. Every decent episode of "Walking Dead" is considered proof that the producers have learned their lesson, are finally on the right track, and that everything is going to be perfect moving forward. Then the next three terrible episodes are written off as minor speed bumps that aren't too bad just because the characters are unlikeable and inconsistently written and the action makes no sense. Instead, they focus on the actors' performances elsewhere or the writers' skills on other shows or the comic book which would seem a perfect blueprint for the show if only they'd actually follow it.
Will CM Punk's departure finally serve as the exit I've been both looking for and simultaneously ignoring? Or will it prove the launching pad for the performers I named above and others to fill the gaps left by Punk both in the ring and on the microphone, finally giving us a show that uses its stars to their potential on a weekly basis and sends fans home satisfied?
I guess I'll give it a few more weeks to decide.
When Wrestlemania 29 ended an hour ago, the universal consensus from the people with whom I watched and most of the people I follow on Twitter seems to be: "At least the C.M. Punk/Undertaker match was good." While I certainly was in that camp, the more I thought about the evening, the more frustrated I became by all the squandered potential.
Traditionally, Wrestlemania is the end of the WWE's season (for lack of a better term). Feuds culminate in face-to-face match ups with a clear, indisputable winner and the next night on Raw, things start anew. Granted, not all matches are classics. While WWE would like you to think only the finest talent and the greatest rivalries make it to the granddaddy of all pay per views, never forget that Wrestlemania has brought us the Bodydonnas vs. the Godwins, Big Show in a sumo diaper, Undertaker vs. a giant in a airbrushed bodysuit designed to make him look naked and hairy, and Golddust's slutty ex-wife vs. Jerry Lawler's slutty half-his-age girlfriend.
Tonight's show had some good wrestling performances, but overall nearly every match fell short of what it could have done.
The opening match of Big Show, Randy Orton, and Sheamus versus The Shield deserve a lot of credit for allowing the three upstarts of the Shield to showcase their skills against three former World Heavyweight Champions. Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns shined, but Seth Rollins went to a new level. At one point he leaped off the top turnbuckle with such power I wouldn't have been surprised to see him land on the opposite turnbuckle.
This match could have easily had Big Show punch Orton and taint the Shield's victory, but WWE resisted and allowed Orton to be the victim of his own hubris rather than outright betrayal. The win also strengthened the Shield's reputation where Big Show interference would have weakened it. Unfortunately, WWE wasn't as sensible the rest of the night.
Jericho and Fandango's match started at a disadvantage because after five months of buildup, Fandango could have been Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels, and Stone Cold all rolled into one and still not lived up to the hype. Furthermore, after wrestling in WWE's developmental territories for six years as Johnny Curtis, he's saddled with the silly character of a competitive ballroom dancer who gets upset when people mispronounce his name.
But strangest was the ending, where Jericho overshot a Lionsault while Fandango raised his knees in a move that would normally lead to Jericho miming a rib injury. Instead, Jericho jumped up, grabbed Fandango's legs, and attempted his Walls of Jericho finisher. Announcer JBL suggested Jericho might have injured his knee, though there was no reason to suspect that as neither wrestler had done anything to sell the idea of a knee injury. Jericho wiggled his knee a bit while trying and failing to get Fandango into the Walls, then was rolled up for an anticlimactic Fandango victory that prompted me to tweet:
I wonder how that Fandango match was supposed to end. #wrestlemania29
— Angry Jake (@Angry_Jake) April 7, 2013
Furthermore, it didn't make sense for Ziggler to win one half of the tag team titles considering he is holding the Money in the Bank contract that all-but guarantees he'll be the World Heavyweight Champion soon. Ziggler had implied he'd use the contract at Wrestlemania, which--given an almost certain pending suspension for Jack Swagger after his DUI and drug possession arrest--had many expecting Del Rio to win but to be so hurt and exhausted after battling Swagger that he'd be easy pickings for Ziggler. Instead, the match just ended. Ricardo Rodriguez got no revenge for his broken ankle. Del Rio bounced up after the victory as though he'd been napping rather than being beaten half to death by a psychotic Tea Party racist. And we wound up with our first truly squandered opportunity of the night.
As it stands now, Swagger and Del Rio are either finished or they have to repeat the exact same program but with some special stipulation at Extreme Rules like a submission match. How much better would it be if Swagger and Del Rio beat each other senseless with Del Rio pulling off a victory by breaking Swagger's arm in the Cross Arm Breaker? Then as medics rush to the ring, Ziggler runs in behind them. The huffing and puffing Del Rio, barely able to stand on his severely twisted ankle (thanks to the Patriot Lock), is an easy target for Ziggler who becomes the new champ.
C.M. Punk and Undertaker had a much better match than you'd expect a 48-year-old who hasn't wrestled in a year to be capable of having. Within the first five minutes, Undertaker had already been involved in more action than the Rock had in both his C.M. Punk matches put together.
As the announcers explained that Triple H's career was on the line in his match against Brock Lesnar, a friend who doesn't watch WWE asked, "What happens if Triple H wins?" We could offer only that Vince McMahon's broken pelvis would be avenged. This match would have no real consequences since both wrestlers get in the ring about twice a year as it is. Triple H's retirement would only mean we won't see him at Summerslam.
But by far the biggest lost opportunity was found in Cena's victory over the Rock. It was obvious Cena, who hasn't held the WWE Championship for over a year, was going to win the belt if only because the WWE needs a champ who will actually appear on Monday Night Raw and go to house shows. But audiences have grown increasingly hostile toward Cena in recent months. Where once it seemed a fair 50-50 split between "Let's go, Cena" and "Cena sucks" chants in arenas, the scales have been steadily tipping toward the latter with every show. I would guess the Royal Rumble crowd was about 60% anti-Cena, but the Cena haters in the audience at last Monday's Raw in Washington, DC outnumbered his fans about ten to one and lambasted him with a chant of "BORING! BORING!" during his show-opening promo. Even when Cena promotes the Make-a-Wish Foundation:
This crowd just booed the Make A Wish foundation. #CenaSucks
— Chris Sims(@theisb) April 7, 2013
Cena's promos for the last two weeks steadily built up his obsession with defeating the Rock. He blamed every problem in his life from injuries to losing matches to his wife divorcing him on his loss to the Rock at last year's Wrestlemania. He began to show defiance to the fans rather than pleading for their love. Early in his match with Rock, he responded to a "Cena sucks" chant with "Oh, that's how it's gonna be, huh?" and Rock made a point of asking, "Do you hear that?" All the pieces were in place for Cena to turn heel. Throughout the match, he showed shock at Rock kicking out of a variety of finishing moves and breaking free of Cena's STF.
At this point, Cena should have taken the match outside the ring and brutalized Rock. Put him through the announce table, hit him with chairs, toss him into the steel steps, slam his arm into the ring posts, all while screaming about how the Rock ruined his life. Finally, a bloody, barely conscious Rock gets an Attitude Adjustment in the middle of the ring, but kicks out of the pin defiantly. Cena locks on the STF and screams like a madman into the camera as the Rock is forced to finally give up and tap. Fans boo, but Cena doesn't care anymore. His new attitude is "I hear you saying I suck. Well who's got your belt? You don't like me, but you'll respect me!"
When Cena finally won, he walked over to speak to the Rock for about a minute, expressing his gratitude. This lead to a handshake and a hug and a deafening chorus of boos.
It's hard not to feel that while WWE may have more talent than ever on its roster, its shows keep clocking in as mediocre outings. Unfortunately, there are usually enough highlights to keep fans' hope alive that something good is about to happen and we wind up in a perpetual cycle of disappointment and faith.
But at least the C.M. Punk/Undertaker match was good.
Followers of Steve Manale's 140 Characters or Less who also play WWE '13 on Playstation can download my Manale-approved versions of O. Snap and No U. Diint.
Unfortunately, trying to put the word "Manale" in the keywords or the description resulted in a warning for inappropriate language. All I can figure is "ale" is verboten.
So search for them by name or look for creations by Angry_Jake.
As I was cataloging the last four nigh-flawless years of John Cena's career, I was tweeting various observations and debating the definition of a "clean" loss with some of my followers. Adam Popovich, who writes about WWE over at Grizzly Bomb, raised the question of what one could do to fix Cena's character. All he could suggest was adding werewolves. Whether Cena would fight the werewolves or reveal himself to be a werewolf or fall in love with a werewolf who is feuding with a vampire Cena has already professed love for, I don't know. The point is that I have been debating this question since writing that last post.
On a side note, I am also the father of a ten-year-old girl who professes to love WWE. (I know you're not supposed to pick favorites between your children but when your son asks me to buy him a John Cena shirt to wear to the Royal Rumble and your daughter asks you for a Cactus Jack one, they make it hard not to.) This is a matter for an entire different column, but sufficed to say the more she watches the more disappointed I get in the lack of a legitimate Divas Division. A.J. Lee, the biggest female star in the company, doesn't even bother to wrestle. Instead, she's spent a year playing doe-eyed admirer to a series of boyfriends who disrespect and don't appreciate her.
I only mention my problem with the Divas because as I was trying to fix Cena, I stumbled upon a solution that also fixes the Divas' lack of relevance. The only problem is I'm about a month late. This plan should have gone into effect in December--and I can't believe I'm saying this--when Cena should have beaten Dolph Ziggler at the Tables, Ladders, and Chairs pay per view.
As it was, Cena, who had blown his own opportunities to win the WWE Championship from CM Punk (by no fault of his own, of course) took on Ziggler, who has a Money in the Bank contract that grants him a Heavyweight Championship title bout anytime or anywhere he wants. Much like Cena winning the Royal Rumble to secure himself a spot in the main event of Wrestlemania--where everyone knew he would be regardless of the Rumble result--this seemed like a case of Cena stealing an opportunity from another deserving worker. Cena's reputation has him already hogging the spotlight while simultaneously pushing others into the darkness. 
Cena was poised to win and steal Ziggler's title shot when A.J. turned on him with a sneak attack and cost him the match.
Instead, I would have had A.J.'s sneak attack fail. Despite being pushed off a ladder and then taking a superkick or a Zig Zag or anything else Ziggler and A.J. wanted to throw at him, Cena gets up, shoulder blocks Ziggler's ladder and sends Ziggler out of the ring. He bounds up the ladder without any hint of struggle that is the signature of all ladder matches and becomes the new Mr. Money in the Bank. Afterward, A.J. says she did it because Cena didn't care about anything but titles and being the best and that his obsession scared her. She was hurt by his rejection, but she was also worried by what would happen to the WWE if Cena was given yet another title match. Her words are dismissed since she's a "crazy chick," but they prove prophetic.
A month later, Cena wins the Royal Rumble and Rock beats CM Punk for the WWE title, just as happened. Cena announces he'll be taking on the Rock at Wrestlemania and hints that maybe he'll use his Money in the Bank contract to go after the Heavyweight belt at Elimination Chamber. Instead, 
United State Champion Antonio Cesaro comes out and mocks John Cena as a typical, lazy American who can't accept that his best days are behind him. He notes how Cena lost to Rock and lost his Money in the Bank match last year and then went out of his way to get another Money in the Bank contract and another shot at the Rock. Cena responds with some jingoistic nonsense about Swiss cheese and skiing in the Alps and goads Cesaro into putting the U.S. Title on the line at Elimination Chamber. Cesaro carries Cena to a great match, but Cena pulls out the win as he always does. (Just for the hell of it, let's also have Ziggler beat Alberto Del Rio in the Heavyweight Championship Elimination Chamber match, ironically giving him the belt after he lost his shot at it. And why not have A.J. win the Divas Championship and get her wrestling again?)
Wrestlemania opens with a rematch between Del Rio and Ziggler. Twitter is on fire as these two each have a career match. Ziggler pulls out a win that leaves both men jelly-legged and glassy-eyed as the crowd catches its collective breath.
Cue Cena's music. He comes running down the ramp with the US belt around his waist, the Money in the Bank briefcase in his hand, and a referee in tow. He hits the ring and the ref signals for the bell. Cena pulls Ziggler to his feet, hits the Attitude Adjustment, and 1-2-3, he's the Heavyweight Champion having stolen the title from Ziggler with very own contract. Later in the show, Shield members Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns defeat Team Hell No for the Tag Team Titles, but why am I bothering to mention that when the rematch of Cena and Rock now has the potential to be a title unification match? Where are my priorities?
Cena and Rock rest hold their way through some tackles and clotheslines and an STF and a Sharpshooter and both kick out of the Rock Bottom and the Attitude Adjustment, 
respectively. This time, Rock tries the U-Can't-C-Me and Cena catches him. An Attitude Adjustment later, Cena is walking out with three belts.
The next night on Raw, Ryback is still feuding with the Shield. He challenges them to a match at the Extreme Rules pay per view for their tag team titles. He offers to find a partner and have a three-on-two handicap match. Cena offers to be Ryback's partner, showing off his three championship belts as reference. They win and now Ryback and Cena are tag team champs in addition to his other titles.
Building up to the next yet-to-be-named pay per view, Cena sets his sights on the Intercontinental belt, which at this point is held by another internet smark darling like Daniel Bryan. Bryan is supposed to defend the belt against El Generico or Tyson Kidd or Seth Rollins, but Cena puts the WWE belt on the line in a title for title match. Bryan takes the bait and makes Cena tap to the No Lock. 
But Cena loses it and clobbers Bryan with the Heavyweight belt in mid-celebration. He points out some technicality about Bryan's gear or something and the referee agrees to restart the match. Cena gets Bryan to tap to the STF and adds the Intercontinental belt to his growing collection.
By now, only the hardest of hardcore Cena fans are still rooting for him and think this isn't ridiculous. Just to make it clear heading into Money in the Bank, Cena goes to Stone Cold Steve Austin's ranch and attacks him to steal the Smoking Skull belt. During Mick Foley's Hall of Fame induction, a point is made of presenting him with the old Hardcore Championship belt, which Cena then attacks Mick backstage around this time to claim under the old 24/7 rules. He challenges William Regal to a fight for the defunct European title. If only Tazz weren't at TNA and could lose the FTW belt.
Meanwhile, on a July episode of Raw, Ryback and Cena defend the Tag Team championship against... pick somebody. Prime Time Players? The Usos? Cena let's Ryback do most of the work, then tags in after Ryback hits the Shell Shock, does an Attitude Adjustment, gets the pin, and celebrates, cutting a promo about how great he is and how lucky Ryback is to be his partner. Ryback gets upset and their fight turns into a match at Money in the Bank. 
Winner gets both tag belts and the right to choose his partner to be the other half of the tag team champions. Cena wins after kicking out of Ryback's Meathooks and Shell Shock, maybe using some brass knucks on his Five-Knuckle Shuffle to get some extra heel heat. The next night on Raw, Cena announces his new tag team partner is... nobody. He doesn't need anybody and why should he have to share the spotlight? To prove his point, he defeats Primo and Epico in a handicap match.
Cena is now in full-on heel mode, cheating when necessary, but usually winning the exact same way he does now. No matter what anyone does to him, he kicks out and keeps going.
Uneasy about the surprise nature of the Money in the Bank competitors, Cena talks both of them into a Triple Threat match at Summerslam. Both the Heavyweight and WWE Championships will be on the line with the winner of the first pinfall getting one and the second the other. They hesitate at first, but after Cena calls them cowards and other bullying, they eventually agree. The winners--take your pick from Randy Orton, Sheamus, CM Punk, Brock Lesnar, or another of your favorites--tear it up, but Cena cannot be pinned. Even on the verge of unconsciousness, Cena manages to get a shoulder up every time. They go at each other as as soon as one gets his finisher, Cena jumps in, knocks him out of the ring, and get the pin. The ref restarts the match for the second belt, Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, and both Money in the Bank competitors have been dismissed.
The following night on Raw, we see how low morale is in the locker room. Everyone is giving up on the hope of ever winning a belt again. A.J. makes the observation she did before the Royal Rumble that John Cena's obsession would be bad for the WWE. Cena overhears her and makes an angry face. Later in the show, A.J. is defending her title in a Lumberjill Fatal-Four-Way match. Cena comes down and gets in the ring. The lumberjills try to stop him, but what chance do they have against a guy who can pick up Big Show on his shoulders and flip him? 
The four women in the ring stand up to him, but he hits them all with the Attitude Adjustment. He gets in A.J.'s face and accuses her of jealousy and mocks her and her silly butterfly belt. If she wants to talk trash about him, why doesn't she do it to his face? Why doesn't she put her belt on the line? She says no, because it's a Divas belt, but Cena argues that if she's not willing to compete against the best competition, what value does it actually have. For the next few weeks, Cena haunts A.J. and demands a title shot. Since she refuses, Cena instead threatens the rest of the Divas. When the number one contender is named, she declines the chance to fight for the belt at Night of Champions. The number two contender is likewise reluctant to take the title shot. A battle royal is held to determine A.J.'s opponent at the pay per view, but Cena storms the ring and cleans house. He declares himself the winner and demands his title shot. A.J. finally relents.
Night of Champions opens with Cena vs. A.J. for the Diva's title. Cena tosses her around like a rag doll and toys with her. Finally, A.J. gets in a surprise shot of offense--an elbow to Cena's nose or a kick in the crotch, something to slow him down. This enrages him, but makes him lose focus. 
A.J. uses her superior quickness and agility to hit and run, kind of like some of those old Rey Mysterio matches against Kevin Nash or Big Show or Undertaker. Cena is embarrassed and wants her to pay. He tackles her and gives her the Five-Knuckle-Shuffle, then sets her up for the STF... but she reverses it into a schoolboy for the 1-2-3! A.J. is the first person to defeat Cena in ten months!
As Cena struggles to come to grips with losing, it sinks in that at Night of Champions, every title is on the line. Kofi Kingston follows A.J. for the U.S. Title match. Cena throws some devastating moves but is clearly distracted by the loss, leaving him open for a Trouble in Paradise. Cena instinctively kicks out, but then the other contenders start to gather on the entrance ramp. He turns his attention to them and gets another kick to the back of his head. 1-2-3 and Kofi is the new United State Champ. While Cena argues with the ref, Cody Rhodes slides into the ring and hits Cross Rhodes to win the Intercontinental belt. Cena is reeling and struggles to his feet, only to be double teamed by... some tag team. Alberto Del Rio and Sin Cara? Big Show and Kane? Colt Cabana and Brad Maddox? After some double finisher, Cena gets pinned again and his tag team belts are gone. Cena is in panic mode and tries to get himself counted out, but Santino drives him back into the ring with the Cobra. Santino is your new Heavyweight Champion. That leaves the WWE title and the people's hero... Lord Tensai? Great Khali? Zach Ryder? Eh, it's probably Sheamus or Orton. Cena clings to his last belt like a mother to her baby in a hurricane. He musters some offense, digging deep as he realizes this is all he has left. Alas, it is too much and he falls, left a shattered wreck in the middle of the ring. Backstage, he gets 
stunnered, then Stone Cold pours beer on him and Mick Foley smashes a trash can over his head.
In the months to come, titles will shift freely and be defended often. Afterall, it's been two years since anyone but Punk, Rock, or Cena has held the WWE title. Cena finds an old WCW TV Title belt in a closet at Titan Tower, but that's not enough. He goes through all of his rematches, but a Diva always shows up to cost him the match. Cena goes on to be a monster heel, a man hellbent on controlling everyone and everything in his universe and making everything about reflecting his own glory, and seemingly impossible to pin, kind of a non-mystical Undertaker.
Or maybe he's a werewolf.
I took my kids to the Royal Rumble with a group of friends last night and while I was considering writing a recap from the perspective inside the arena (the crowd reaction when Chris Jericho came out as #2 in the Rumble was one of the five loudest things I've ever heard and sustained longer than any cheers I've heard at any sporting event) or giving my opinions on why Rock winning the championship undermines the WWE's future (Rock's win sends the message that the best wrestlers of today are not as good as wrestlers from ten years ago even if those wrestlers are a decade past their primes and have only wrestled twice since the Johnny Carson died).
I might still do either of those things, but today I wound up thinking about John Cena's feel good, underdog-makes-good story of winning the Rumble and earning his spot in the main event at Wrestlemania--a place he certainly wouldn't have been without snatching that opportunity. I was watching the C.M. Punk: Best in the World DVD and his match with Cena at Money in the Bank in Chicago where he'd vowed to win the championship. The crowd reminded me of the ECW: One Night Stand show where Cena lost the title to Rob Van Dam before a violently hostile crowd.
So I spent almost two hours reading through pay-per-view recaps to learn when Cena became too good for losing, wondering just how many times he's lost clean (being pinned or tapping out without being cheated by outside interference or having some other excuse that he didn't "really" lose).
The answer was Wrestlemania 25.
A month before that show, Cena was pinned cleanly by Edge in an Elimination Chamber match at No Way Out (2009). He has somewhere between five and one clean wins since then. I've bolded the losses that could be considered clean depending on how generous you're feeling with the definition of "clean."
(Turn down your speakers before you click any of the links. Most are fan highlight edits with music over the top.)
At Wrestlemania 25, he beat Edge and Big Show in a Triple Threat match to win the World Heavyweight Championship.
At Backlash, he lost the belt back to Edge in a Last Man Standing match due to interference by the Big Show.
At Judgment Day, he beat Big Show.
At Extreme Rules, he beat Big Show again in a submission match.
At WWE The Bash, he beat the Miz.
At Night of Champions, he lost to Randy Orton in a Triple Threat match after making Orton tap out (along with Triple H) due to interference by Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase.
At SummerSlam, he lost to Randy Orton due to "fan" interference after Orton tried multiple times to get disqualified only to have match restarted.
At Breaking Point, he beat Randy Orton in an I Quit match for the WWE Championship.
At Hell in a Cell, he lost the WWE Championship to Randy Orton. Orton was only able to beat him by tangling him in the ropes, choking him into unconsciousness, then kicking him in the head. Since all this is legal in a Hell in a Cell match, this would be considered a clean win, but only because of stipulations.
At Bragging Rights, he beat Randy Orton in an Iron Man match for the WWE title.
At Survivor Series, he beat Triple H and Shawn Michaels in a Triple Threat match.
At Tables, Ladders, and Chairs, he lost to Sheamus in a tables match when he slipped off the top turnbuckle while setting up to suplex Sheamus through a table.
At the Royal Rumble, he was the last man eliminated by surprise entrant Edge. While this is not a clean pin and while he did get to dominate all the way up to being one of the final two, it's downright job squad by Cena standards.
At Elimination Chamber, he won his Elimination Chamber match for the WWE Championship, but then lost to Batista in a surprise title defense immediately afterward.
1st Year Record: 8-4 (1 clean), 2nd place finish in Royal Rumble
At Wrestlemania 26, he beat Batista for the WWE Championship.
At Extreme Rules, he beat Batista in a Last Man Standing match.
At Over the Limit, he beat Batista in an I Quit match.
At Fatal 4-Way, he lost the WWE Championship to Sheamus due to interference by Nexus.
At Money in the Bank, he lost to Sheamus in a cage match due to interference by Nexus despite making Sheamus tap out.
At SummerSlam, he won 7-Man tag team elimination matc--note that he won, not his team, as he was the last of the 14 competitors to remain at the end of the match--by making Wade Barrett tap out.
At Night of Champions, he was eliminated from Six-Pack Challenge by Wade Barrett after Nexus interference.
At Hell in a Cell, he lost to Wade Barrett due to "fan" interference.
At Bragging Rights, he and David Otunga won the WWE Tag Team Championship from Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre when Rhodes tapped out to Cena's STF. (The next night, they surrendered the belts to Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel. Since that's not a PPV and Cena didn't get pinned, it won't count in the total, but it seemed like it should be mentioned why Cena is no longer Tag Team Champ.)
At Tables, Ladders, and Chairs, he beat Wade Barrett in a chairs match.
At the Royal Rumble, he came out and cleared the ring of C.M. Punk and the Nexus, who'd been dominating and in full control for half an hour. He made it to the final four but was eliminated when Miz, who was not in the match, snuck in while referees weren't watching and dumped him over the top rope.
At Elimination Chamber, he won the Elimination Chamber match for a shot at the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania.
Second Year Record: 7-4 (0 clean), 5th place finish in Royal Rumble
Two Year Total: 15-8 (1 clean)
At Wrestlemania 27, he lost to Miz on interference from the Rock.
At Extreme Rules, he won the WWE Championship over Miz and John Morrison in a Triple Threat steel cage match.
At Over the Limit, he beat Miz in an I Quit match.
At Capitol Punishment, he beat R-Truth.
At Money in the Bank, he lost cleanly to C.M. Punk for the WWE Championship. Some will argue that Vince McMahon and John Laurinaitis caused a distraction when they came to ringside to help Cena, but considering no one speared Cena or hit him with a chair, Colt Cabana didn't jump out of the crowd and whack Cena with a bag full of doorknobs. That's a clean win.
At SummerSlam, he lost to C.M. Punk because special referee Triple H didn't see that Cena's foot was on the ropes during the pin.
At Night of Champions, he beat Alberto Del Rio for the WWE Championship.
At Hell in a Cell, he lost Triple Threat match for the WWE Championship when Alberto Del Rio pinned C.M. Punk.
At Vengeance, he lost to Alberto Del Rio in a Last Man Standing match due to interference from Miz and R-Truth.
At Survivor Series, he and Rock beat Miz and R-Truth in a tag team match.
At the Royal Rumble, his match with Kane ended with a double count-out draw.
At Elimination Chamber, he beat Kane in an ambulance match.
Third Year Record: 6-5-1 (1 clean)
Three Year Total: 21-13-1 (2 clean)
At Wrestlemania 28, he lost clean to the Rock.
At Extreme Rules, he beat Brock Lesnar.
At Over the Limit, he lost to John Laurinaitis on Big Show interference.
At No Way Out, he beat Big Show in a steel cage match.
At Money in the Bank, he won Money in the Bank for a shot at the WWE Championship.
On Raw's 1000th Episode--not a PPV, but still a huge show, he won against C.M. Punk but didn't win the WWE Championship due to Big Show interference.
At SummerSlam, he lost a Triple Threat match when Punk pinned Big Show (who'd been knocked out by Cena.
At Night of Champions, he pinned C.M. Punk but it was ruled a draw because both men's shoulders were on the mat.
At Survivor Series, he lost a Triple Threat match to Punk on Shield interference. While there was interference in this match, it was against Ryback. Ryback hit Cena with Shell Shock then was swarmed and dragged from the ring while Cena laid there until Punk pinned him, making Shell Shock the only finisher Cena sold in four years.
At Tables, Ladders, and Chairs, he lost a ladder match to Dolph Ziggler on A.J. Lee interference.
At the Royal Rumble, he won the Royal Rumble.
Fourth Year Record to Date: 5-5-1 (two clean)
Four Year Total: 26-18-2 (four clean [five if you count the Royal Rumble he finished second in])
... and they say late at night, if you listen real close to the wind... you can still hear him... playin' that honky-tonkin' music!
BOO!
Okay, okay, I've got a really scary story. Come on in, everyone. Get around the fire and listen close, because this is a true story. Seriously, it happened not too far away from here, just over that hill we were hiking on this morning.
Seems the Embalmer's plan to control the three volumes of the Books of the Dead had failed and he instead decided to take undisputed control of Hell by marrying the Undertaker's half-brother's half-sister, Jezebelle, who, incidentally, is not related to Undertaker since she shares a father with Kane and Kane shares a mother with Undertaker.
No, Jimmy, I guess that doesn't really have anything to do with the story. Anyway, the Embalmer took control of Jezebelle's mind and not only convinced her to marry him but made Kane agree to prevent anyone from opposing the marriage, which prompted Undertaker to stand still for ten minutes doing nothing.
In truth, the Undertaker was forging a connection to his half-brother's mind, allowing him to track Kane and, in turn, the Embalmer and Jezebelle. The three were on their way to the Embalmer's mansion where all his servants quickly prepared for the wedding.
Huh? Well, yes, I suppose Undertaker probably could have figured that out for himself. Look, you're really kind of killing the mood, so just let me finish my story.
So, they went to Embalmer's mansion, which was right over that hill. All the most evil, most powerhungry demons of hell came to the mansion for the wedding, including Embalmer's number one rival, Sleezmore.
No, I did not just come up with Sleezmore off the top of my head because I couldn't think of anything better! That was the guy's name. Okay, settle down every--what's that? Um, well, I suppose you do have a point that Undertaker is probably Embalmer's number one riv--what? Paul Bearer? That's a little more complicated since Paul Bearer was in control of half the armies of Hell and prophecied by the Necronomicon to battle Embalmer for ultimate control of the entire netherworld... but, uh... he's not any more.
While the wedding preparations we're carried out inside the house, the Undertaker gathered his army of loyal demon followers in a wide-open, empty field easily seen from the Embalmer's mansion--quiet down back there! He commanded them to attack the mansion and Embalmer's men.
Meanwhile, Sleezmore--I'm not kidding, Jimmy! Knock it off! Sleezmore decided to take advantage of the wedding distrations demanding Embalmer's attention to rape the bride-to-be.
Kane, however, came to Jezebelle's rescue, snapping the demon's neck, much to the joy of the Embalmer, who was happy to know he could still be the first to rape Jezebelle.
Kane wasn't happy with the turn of events, but was powerless to prevent the wedding as he was sworn to destroy anyone who opposed the marriage. Granted, Sleezmore had--Jimmy! One more time and you're confined to your tent! Sleezmore and Embalmer had a peace treaty that one violated by attempting to rape the others fiancee and the other planned to violate by killing his rival as part of the ceremony, but that doesn't mean Kane has to sink to their level.
Instead, it was Jezebelle who suggested a way out of the predicament.
At that same time, Undertaker's army was storming the castle-like mansion...
... even though Embalmer didn't seem the least bit concerned.
The Hellish priests began the ceremony. "Do you Embalmer take Jezebelle? Do you Jezebelle take the Embalmer?" She reached for her twin daggers, but before she could plunge them into the face of the Embalmer, Undertaker leapt out of the ground and turned on a powerful, wind tunnel or something!
Um, and that's when the operator told her, "The calls are coming from inside the house! Get out!"
When Chaos! Comics and the World Wrestling Federation teamed up to make several of the WWF's biggest stars (and at the time it was still WWF) into comic book characters, a threshold of awesomeness was breached that proved so great the universe could not withstand it without collapsing upon itself. Thus, within a year, the titles were gone and the world was safe, though we were left with the question: Is a world without Mankind and Undertaker photo covers a world worth saving?
By far my favorite part of the comics was seeing how the writer decided to merge the character's in ring persona with the more grandiose story planned for the comic. In many ways, the comic was better suited for the stories of these larger than life characters as it wasn't confined to the arenas and rings of the WWF.
If you think about it, why would an immortal, supernatural being born of hellfire and brimstone and a destiny to stand between two warring factions in a battle for control of the kingdom of hell bother showing up to squash Fit Finlay in a Birmingham house show?
Unfortunately, many comics ignored this question. For example, Kevin Nash was a Mad Max-type of drifter doing good in a post-apocalytic world full of thugs with a tendency to run face first into raised boots and a weakness for being powerbombed. If he wound up wrestling someone in a ring, it was in a makeshift ring in a half-blown up building, not at an official WCW event.
Undertaker, however, had the good sense to follow through and explain why the Lord of Darkness is under contract to Vince McMahon.
It seems the warring factions of hell have decided the best way to settle their ultimate battle is to send demons to the surface world in the human form and have them duel at professional wrestling events. Sure, because what better venue could there be for the fight to command all of hell?
On one side of the war you have Paul Bearer, the 500-pound snivler who's served as a manager to Undertaker, Kane, Koko B. Ware, and pre-Doink the Clown Matt Borne. On the other side is "The Embalmer."
Somehow, the Necronomicon Ex Mortis seems a whole lot less threatening when you know there are caricatures of Paul Bearer in it.
The Embalmer, who clearly suffered from the writer's inability to find enough funeral-related terms to settle on a decent name for his characters, was also on the mortal plane. While Paul Bearer chose to hide his demonic true self in the form of a tactical advisor to Big Van Vader and Kamala, the Embalmer has used his talents to make himself a billionaire CEO of Millenium Corporation, one of the most powerful companies in the world.
Given those two options, where would you put your money if Vegas was taking action on "War for Hell"? Maybe there's some grander strategy to being an obese wrestling manager, but to me this match up looks like if for the Super Bowl you had Bill Belichick on one sideline and my blind Aunt Esther on the other listening to "Deal or No Deal."
Embalmer's reaction there as he punches his desk into splinters to serve as a message to those who doubt him makes me think of when I was in elementary school and kids would threaten one another by grabbing a piece of paper or a piece of clay and tell their opponent, "This is your face!" before crumpling or squashing the inanimate object.
Considering how much happened in the corporate offices of Enron, it's hard to say this for certain, but I really find it hard to believe a corporate officer who incinerates people who dare to mention the Undertaker in his presence... with his fingertips... in his own office... wouldn't raise some suspicions. This guy has to have been profiled by Forbes, right?
Ugh, the more I describe this, the more I'm convinced he absolutely could get away with this and that the Forbes article would praise him up and down for his unified vision and refusal to listen to doubters.
In an attempt to get to the Embalmer, Undertaker goes backstage at a WWF event to pick a fight with some of the bad guy's humanized demonspawn, namely the Kissin' Cousins tag team.
In case you missed it, Kissin' Cousins' names are Smooch and Pucker. They drop their fleshy facades and grab Undertaker, transporting him to Millenium Corp.'s headquarters, where the Embalmer prances about in that mask from the Necronomicon picture above. From the time he arrives, the remaining twelve pages feature nothing but disjointed, poorly laid out sequences of Undertaker fighting demons.
Sometimes he has witty rejoinders.
Sometimes he doesn't.
Sometimes his catchphrases don't make a lot of sense given the context of the story.
I mean, if you were from Denver and someone threatened you by saying, "I'm putting you on a direct flight to Colorado!", you wouldn't be very frightened. Why would a demon from hell be intimidated by Undertaker's threat here?
And sometimes his comments don't make any sense period, regardless of the context of the story.
Thay demon didn't ask Undertaker or anyone else to take his calls. And how do you stab something with an object as blunt as a telephone? These are just a few of the questions raised by this "more than half" of the book. Others include:
- Is the Undertaker going up or down in that elevator?
- Why would the Kissin' Cousins teleport Undertaker to their boss's headquarters knowing full well his intention is to hunt and kill their boss?
- Why didn't Undertaker come to the headquarters himself instead of going to a wrestling arena?
- If demons have teleportation powers, why do they have to use stairs?
- If demons can phase through walls and ceilings, why do they have to use stairs?
- How do you kill creatures who already live in the realm of the afterlife?
- What is that sound effect supposed to represent?
- What about that one?
- Seriously, something in that frame went "BLAM!" which one might assume is a gunshot, but all we see is a close up of Undertaker's face and nothing in the ensuing frames seems to have gone BLAM! Did you guys plan these sound effects or were they just plugged in randomly?
But come back tomorrow for a special Halloween jump ahead to the penultimate issue of the series!
Before I get into the final installment of the Warrior comic (though, sadly, I can almost be certain not the final installment of my rants about the comics), I would highly advise anyone who is even 1% interested in the insanity of the Ultimate Warrior to go to your Netflix list and add The Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior. You will not be disappointed. It's worth watching just for Christian's recreation of Ultimate Warrior's Wrestlemania 6 promo.
On to the story of Warrior #4, which promised to be the penultimate chapter in--but instead became the ultimate issue of--Warrior. With Jim Callahan gone and on Warrior's bad side, the art chores fell on the shoulders of the "Sharp Boys," who may or may not be a DJ duo from England. That's all a Google search turned up.
It's mind boggling to imagine what might have happened in issue three. You'll recall all of issue two took place (we concluded) in Warrior's head while he was in a coma. By issue four, he's out of the coma... I think... and hiding out in Parts Unknown.
To help explain, when he was wrestling, Ultimate Warrior was introduced as being "from parts unknown." It made his character more mysterious than if he'd been from Scottsdale, Arizona, as if he just showed up out of nowhere to kick ass and no one had ever seen him before. In his interviews, however, Ultimate Warrior started referring to Parts Unknown as if it was the name of a city, threatening to take the championship belt back to Parts Unknown or saying something like, "The weather was very hot today in Parts Unknown."
In the comic, Parts Unknown looks a lot like if the Jetsons lived in Bartertown from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, futuristic, but dirty and run down. Warrior is looking out a window, because "a window, no matter it's (sic) placement, offers one an opportunity to study and learn. A chance to see what has not yet been seen."
Just in case you didn't understand when you saw the picture of the Warrior looking out the window, Warrior provides you with an explanation of what a window is, both physically and metaphorically. Even better, if you didn't understand what "looking" is, he explains that as well.
I believe he then remembers being genetically engineered by a creepy scientist. Then we're introduced to a team of Reaver-like cyborgs who may be outside in the square where Warrior is looking or might be another thing the Warrior is just thinking about while "utilizing the filing system of his mind."
Meanwhile, in the real world, such that it is, some evil guy is running around in the form of the wrestler Warrior, killing 42 political leaders, including President Bush (the first one), Nelson Mandella, and Pope John Paul II.
Oddly enough, despite the fact major world leaders get brutally slain in every city where Warrior wrestles, he keeps getting booked to do shows. You would think police wouldn't have too much trouble finding him, considering he's performing in front of large crowds and is being advertised as a competitor. At the very least, you would think after a dozen or so other guys were killed, if Warrior was booked to wrestle in Madrid, José Luis RodrÃguez Zapatero would leave town for the day.
The evil Warrior visits a truck stop in Indiana, where everyone immediately recognizes him and starts quietly talking shit about how they could beat up the fake wrasslin' guy. Despite the fact all eyes are on him the entire time he's there and everyone sees him go into the bathroom, one of the guys walks in, loudly boasting about how he could kick Warrior's ass, and then is shocked... SHOCKED to see Warrior standing at the urinal beside him. Warrior responds the by grabbing the guy by the face, lifting him over his head, and slamming him head first into the urinal up to his chest.
Warrior then drives away, only to be followed by two semis. Assuming he's being pursued for the purposes of revenge, Warrior whips a bootlegger turn, jumps out of his SUV, grabs ahold of the bottom of one of the trucks, and rips the truck to pieces with his bare hands!
Warrior then tears the heart out of a guy who tries to brain him with a wrench, jumps back in his SUV and takes off for Arizona, which is 150 miles away, indicating Indiana and Arizona are very close together.
By the way, the press coverage later indicates the trucks were from Titan Entertainment, the WWF's parent company, and calls this "sports entertainment's greatest hour." I'm guessing this had to have been done after Warrior was released by WWF in real life, though in the story it's explained the Warrior gave Vince McMahon the "F-off."
Somehow, the wreckage of the semis winds up in Parts Unknown and the real Warrior and the Reaver rip-offs are all there and the trucks and people float or something and there are big guns and... goddammit... I have no idea. See if you can make any sense of this page. And just so you know, this isn't out of context. The only set up is Warrior standing on a cliff.
The next panel has a huge, ghostly Warrior hovering in the sky--think Simba's dad talking to him in cloud form in The Lion King--saying, "One more stop for love." This prompts Warrior to shout, "NEVER!" and shake his fist at the reader.
And that's the end. There very last panel has one of the Reaver wannabes sitting next to a pennant that says "Next Issue," but offers no description of what the final issue will offer. It's like having a box of cereal that says "Enriched with a full recommended daily allowance of."