As we reach the end of "Ninja Made Easy Week," I reflect upon the last five days and the nearly sixteen people who read my raves about Ninjutsu: The Art of the Ninja. If there are any other bloggers out there finding they are just too swamped with readers and need to make a huge dent in their traffic, allow me to suggest six straight posts (and potentially a seventh) about a really crappy comic no one's ever read.

If it gives you any indication how big a bomb this idea was, Robert, my fellow Ye Olde Blogger, best friend since seventh grade, and person who provided the comic to me in the first place, hasn't even been reading it.

Anyway, as a reader nears the end of Ninjutsu, an interesting, trivial part of the "ninja culture is mentioned.Martial arts and ninjas? Never heard of such a combination, but for the sake of this column, I'll go with it. I thought they just climbed walls backwards and hid behind trees, but if I can't trust the research of writer Peter Brody and editor Michael Lubert, what can I ever believe in again?

In addition to some ninja poses that all involve standing with your legs about shoulder width apart and vary only in the way you position your arms, the men who encouraged kids to learn how to kill armed sentries with one punch and how to traverse bogs by standing on their mothers' mixing bowls share another essential skill of the ninja: disarming a gun-totting enemy.What could possibly go wrong? Some people will say it's irresponsible to encourage children to play with guns and point out about four thousand kids are killed in gun-related accidents every year. What those bleeding hearts don't understand is so many kids who are killed while playing with guns are hurt because they don't play with guns enough. A kid who never gets to wave around a Glock except when dad is passed out drunk is much more likely to accidentally pull the trigger and plug than a kid who only gets the honor all the time.

I have similar theories on drunk driving.

The most important skill a ninja can have is invisibility, better known to you and me as "hiding." Ninjitsu: The Art of the Ninja actually labels one section in big bold letters: INVISIBILITY. Underneath, however, is added a tiny parenthetical: (The Art of Hiding). I'm not sure how that editorial decision was made. Afterall, it doesn't appear the editor paid much attention to the other 31 pages of this book, or even the rest of the material on the page. The essentials of proper hiding are given the mystical labels of Earth, Air, Fire, and Wood, though those labels don't seem to correspond to much of anything. For example, "Wood" advises you to study yoga, so why nitpick the line between "hiding" and "invisibility"?

For fuck sake, you've already advised children to traverse swamps and castle moats with buckets strapped to their feet! What level of credibility are you trying to protect?Ninjas are easily overlooked whether they be playing the role of "Tree" in an elementary school play, sleeping on top of a hotel ice machine, or crawling through his basement apartment's window because the landlord has padlocked the front door because the rent check bounced again.

In short, there are a few pages that all repeat the same ideas. Be quiet, try to blend in, and don't move around a lot. Of course, if all else fails, there is one tried and true method to assure guards don't see you.Dead guards trigger no alarms.

So, to recap, knocking out a minimum wage flunky who's trying to work his way through DeVry in one punch: good; confusing hiding with being invisible: bad.

Being a ninja, like any other hobb--whether it be collecting comic art, needlepoint, amateur porn film production, or golf--starts out as fun and challenging, but then come the upgrades. Needlepoint is fun, but imagine the awesome embroidery you can do with a Husqvarna Viking Scandinavia 400. Hitting the links with friends is fun, but think how impressed they'll be when you pull out a new Great Big Bertha and tee up one of the newest Tiger balls by Nike.

Sure, you can get by making exhilirating ninja hand shadows and climbing castle walls with your back to them, but eventually you're going to need some ninja bling if you want the other ninjas on your block to take you seriously. Ninjitsu: The Art of the Ninja devotes several pages to such exotic weaponry as "knife" and the always popular "nunchaku."The inclusion of a description of nunchaku implies the creators of this comic assumed at least one person who purchased it hadn't already tried to build his own nunchaku in either shop class or his dad's tool shed. I'm not sure if that I should be embarrassed by their ignorance or thankful they are giving me the benefit of the doubt (a benefit I don't deserve as I made mine with some pieces of garden trellis, twine, a staple gun, and some duct tape then proceded to flail my thighs and forehead for about ten seconds before I decided I'd had enough).

But weapons aren't all the ninja has to make other ninja-wanna-bes jealous. Hey, Jesus, suck on this!I appreciate the fact the writer, Peter Brody, really had high hopes for his readers. He doesn't imply strapping a couple of mixing bowls might help you walk from one side of your above-ground swimming pool to the other. Hell, no! We'll be busy crossing castle moats! Throughout the book, his instructions are always about infiltrating enemy camps or entering fortresses or storming moat-encircled castles.

Of course, the ninja's most important tool is his ninja sword, or as it is known by its technical term, his "Ninja sword." One interesting element of the ninja sword is the large, square handguard which can be used to convert the ninja's deadliest and most important weapon into a step-stool for easy roof access.Of course, should you use your ninja sword for the much needed boost to get onto a roof that appears to be six feet to six-feet-and-three-inches high, you should also be sure to practice your ninja "talking my enemies who are on top of the roof out of beating my ass since I left my sword on the ground" skills. If you are a particularly polite ninja, you may be able to talk your enemies into holding you by the ankles and lowering you off the edge of the roof so you can grab your sword.

The shame of it is that this poor ninja had to abandon his sword by the side of the house while he lept to the roof, leaving himself vulnerable. If only there had been some alternative item for him to step on... or three for that matter.Tomorrow, we learn the secrets of a ninja's invisibility!

But not like "Kevin Bacon in Hollow Man" invisible. More like "when my daughter and I play hide and seek and I duck all the way behind the arm of the couch" invisible.

Next, it's time to learn how to walk ninja-style. Now don't get ahead of yourself because walking like a ninja isn't as simple as putting one foot in front of the other.Or maybe it is.

What ninjas know that you didn't until now is that putting your hands on other side of your head with your fingers extended renders you invisible, as evidenced by the following picture. Look very closely and see if you can spot the black-haired woman in a red shirt.Look closely. I promise she's there. Can you see her? Of course you can't! She's invisible and if she had a shuriken you'd be dead by now.

Of course, not all ninja-ing takes place while walking flatfooted across an open field. Sometimes someone goes and puts a wall in your way. Should you attempt to climb that wall, you'd have to drop your hand antlers and thus be vulnerable to sighted people. Luckily, we learn the best way to scale a wall without being seen.Obviously, this is a much more efficient method than facing the wall. Much of the theory behind this book seems based on the idea that as long as you can see people, they won't look in your direction.

For example, if you have to pass by a door with an enemy on the other side, you need to look at him, move, and look at him again.It should also be noted, if you plan to break into and sneak around an enemy compound, you would be best off if your enemies never look behind them. Ever. Even when they hear a ninja sneaking around in the room five feet away.

On that note, you don't want to be like your enemies. So learn to look behind you! You can't practice this move often enough. Try it in crowded elevators.Honestly, I spent more time than I should have debating the proper music to imagine in your head. I finally decided it was either "Rolling with Kid 'n' Play" or "Ain't Nothin' Gonna Break My Stride." However, as it was pointed out in the comments, the proper music would be "Baby, Don't Forget My Number" by Milli Vanilli.Tomorrow, learn how to use mixing bowls to storm a castle!

Ninjitsu: The Art of the Ninja didn't waste your time with some story about ninjas trying to infiltrate a fortress or stabbing samurai in the gut with sais. Instead, it provided you with a step by step guide to follow should you want to infiltrate a fortress or stab a samuari in the gut with a sai.With art by Chuck Wojkiewicz, one of Teacher Dave's favorite artists (I also own a page of Wojkiewicz's art, so I'm not ripping the guy), the book lays out the art of the invisible warrior, beginning with a brief (three sentences) history lesson, a description of the ninja's uniform, and a explanation of the importance of meditation to cultivating internal powers, which is presented as a two-page, nine-step process.Please note that nowhere in the instructions does it say anything about what to do with your hands and, in fact, talk about your belly button more that your hands.

I assume these images are just put in there because nine images of a guy sitting cross-legged with his eyes closed wouldn't work. Hence, Wojkiewicz went with "this is the church, this is the steeple" and "Hook 'em Horns." This is based both on the lack of connection between the text and images, but also on my assumption there is no "ninja-approved" meditation technique that involves "pull my finger" jokes.To demonstrate the next step in our calming meditation, we turn to legendary calming influence Diamond Dallas Page.And to wrap things up, the "snake eating an egg."Refreshed? Exhilirated.? Great!

Come back tomorrow and we'll get on our feet and ninjawalk!

At the risk of losing that all-important teen demographic, I'm going to begin a post with "Those of us who grew up in the 80's..." Sorry kids, us old folks are going to put in our dentures and chit-chat.

Those of us who grew up in the 80's can be easily seperated into two catagories: those who admit we wanted to be ninjas and dirty, dirty liars.

Comicdom recognized this interest, but where Marvel chose to exploit our dreams by having Daredevil fight ninjas, having Spider-Man fight ninjas, having Punisher fight ninjas, having Wolverine fight ninjas, and turning Psylocke into a ninja. Other publishers tried to get a slice of that pie by shoving ninjas into anything they could. Ninjas were fat. Ninjas went to high school. Ninjas were turtles and hamsters. Ninjas went to camp. Ninjas provided valuable public service announcements about why it burns when you pee. You couldn't swing a katana without hitting a ninja propping up some destined to fail publisher.

Only one publisher had the gut to give us what we really wanted: Solson Publications, a company founded on the aforementioned ninja glut--giving us Codename: Ninja and Bushido Blade of Zatoichi Walrus--and "How to Draw" comics, primarily focused on scantily clad women and erotic art, including the oh so very inappropriately titled How to Draw Sexy Career Girls.

(When Ragnell returns from her self-imposed vacation, I demand a review of this comic from a feminist perspective!)
Digging deep in the quarterbox last week, I came across Ninjutsu: The Art of the Ninja, a "How To" guide promising to reveal "the secret deadly fighting arts of the ninja--AT LAST!!!" I started to do a write up, but there was so much material to mock, I decided to spread it out over the course of an entire week, with a different lesson each day.

See you tomorrow when we'll learn the art of ninja shadow puppets.