During last night's home run derby, Rick Reilly offered up this nonsequitorian analysis of Josh Hamilton's record-breaking 28 home runs in the first round:

It's a lousy night to be an atheist!

I don't get it. When the Pope was at Yankee Stadium, did he announce, "Unless someone hits at least 25 home runs in a single round of the State Farm Home Run Derby to be held in this stadium later this year, I will consider it a clear indication that there is no god and will disband the Catholic Church and urge all other religions to do likewise? Is Reilly mistakenly under the impression that atheism is not a lack of belief in god, but rather a lack of belief that heroin users can rehabilitate themselves, get reinstated to professional baseball, and hit a lot of home runs on a national stage? Was Reilly implying that Josh Hamilton is a deity whose existence atheists can't deny?

Or maybe Reilly is just an overrated hack who hasn't offered any decent sports analysis for more than a decade, but is so in love with his own voice he can't be bothered to stop and think about whether his words actually make any sense before he opens his stupid, stupid mouth.

Given that he's on ESPN, I'm going to go with that final option. (My kingdom for a Charlie Steiner!)

Note that title is not a question. I think I finally figured out what's wrong with Chris Berman.

He doesn't realize he's on TV.

Chris Berman thinks he's sitting in front of a mirror in his bedroom. What other explanation can there be for the idiotic blather that comes out of his mouth that only he can possibly find amusing? This morning he said, "The Dolphins turn not to the Jeff Beck Group... but to quarterback Josh Beck..."

Fucking what? The Jeff Beck Group? Who did he think would nod knowingly to a Jeff Beck Group reference? Rod Stewart would have rolled his eyes! Clearly NFL Primetime and Sunday Countdown serve no purpose other than for Berman to spout off stupid nonsense for his own pleasure... so why am I subjected to it? ESPN has the only pregame NFL show from 9AM to 10AM, so anyone wanting to watch football during that hour has no choice but to tolerate Berman and the rest of the morons given a microphone at that time.

For that matter, why is practically every football "journalist" an asshole? Can anyone tell me the world would be a worse place if Terry Brashaw, Stuart Scott, Dan Marino, Howie Long, Shannon Sharpe, Keyshawn Johnson, Mike Ditka, Cris Collinsworth, Merrill Hoge, and Jimmy Johnson were all beaten to death with socks full of quarters? Even the ones who seem somewhat likable (Keith Olbermann, Trey Wingo, Jim Nance, Kenny Mayne) seem to crank up the asshole factor when they're covering football.

The biggest problem seems to stem from the large number of former players who now dominate the ranks of "journalism." Using someone who's "been there" to add some insight to your coverage is a great idea, but in practice all it's become is a stage for broken down former stars to brag about and exaggerate their past accomplishments. Peter King, one of the most respected sports journalists of all time, gets one little segment on NBC to talk about some rumors he's heard, but Shannon Sharpe gets a full hour to put down anyone and everyone who is still playing whether his insults make sense or not.

CBS is so ex-quarterback heavy, it does a segment where Dan Marino, Boomer Esiason, Phil Simms, and Rich Gannon (RICH GANNON for fuck sake!) all weigh in about what's going on in the NFL. Any knowledge of jack shit about what their saying not required. Not to be outdone, ESPN has given Steve Young a segment where he stands in front of a chromakey screen--clutching a football like Linus with his blanket--and talks shit about 4-6 quarterbacks playing each Sunday.

Truthfully, I watch much less football than I used to and I attribute much of it to my inability to tolerate the guys who tell me what's going on. I get all my NFL info from the internet and watch all the games muted while listening to music or NPR podcasts on my iPod. I keep hoping the networks will come around and give me an NFL show I can tolerate.

Unfortunately, I know the reason all television decisions are made is ratings. Considering the monopolistic nature of the broadcasts, there's no chance ratings will dip, which will only reinforce in network executives the belief that the majority of Americans can't get enough of douchebags like Esiason insisting that if he was playing for the Patriots, he'd have twice as many touchdown passes as Tom Brady.