Previously on Ye Olde Comick Booke Blogge:
- Terra-Man escaped from prison by transporting the prison to the desert
- Clark Kent got a guy fired just so he could leave work twenty seconds early
- Terra-Man tricked Superman into believing he was kicking his own head in
- Billy Anders was diagnosed as the first AIDS victim after his body completely lost the ability to heal itself
- Terra-Man kidnapped Billy and his pet lynx, even though he only needed the lynx
Okay, where were we?12. Invisible spaceship
13. Memory erasing forcefield
With Superman powerless--well, except for his heat vision, x-ray vision, telescopic vison, microscopic vision, ability to fly, invulnerability, superbreath, superspeed, superventriloquism, superhearing, superintellect, superphotographic memory, and anything else that's been mentioned over and over in the 35 years leading up to this issue--Terra-Man lures the Man of Steel to the desert for a showdown. Superman spots a dustdevil approaching with a person inside, but recognizes that the figure is too short to be Terra-Man.
14. Dustdevil transportation15. Shape shifting (or holographic disguises)
16. Proton-blasting shotgun that can be disguised as a crutch
Again, what the hell is up with Superman? Terra-Man greatest power is the ability to turn Superman into a complete idiot. Superman can fly around the world in half a second, yet he takes a nice slow approach, offering a good target to the kid who's been kidnapped by a man who made Superman himself believe his legs had been severed and were attacking him, would make a perfect decoy, just emerged from a mysterious mini-tornado of dust, has a dangerous look on his face, and is pointing his crutch threateningly. For that matter, in the time it takes to say "That can't be Bil--", Superman could dismantle that gun, destroy Terra-Man's hologram generator with heat vision, and fly to Gotham City to hit the clubs with Batman.
This is supposedly the off-the-scales Silver Age Superman who was so ridiculously overpowered that when an editorial mandate came down that he had to be toned down, the severe drop in power was illustrated when he stood at ground zero of a nuclear blast and was knocked unconscious for half an hour. So to put that into perspective, weak Superman takes a 40 megaton blast and is out for thirty minutes while strong Superman gets shot with an alien's shotgun and is out for several hours.
17. Magic talking canteen communicators18. Geological hollowing and escape proofing
Terra-Man explains that he has not only hollowed out the boulder determined to be one of the oldest on Earth and used as a centerpiece for a state park, but he has altered it with his alien technology to counteract any of Superman's various powers, making it escape proof. The only way out is for Superman to use his superstrength.
Why leave that option open? Sure, he assumes Superman will never remember the lynx as long as it remains in its telepathic cage, but why take the risk? As long as Superman is out cold and you're going to take the time to make the rock superbreath and heat vision proof, why not reinforce it a little too? Think how much more entertaining it would be to watch Superman run through his entire repertoire of powers, coming up snake eyes every time, then struggle to find the "trigger-image" to bring back his strength, then finally find that image and regain his strength only to find he can't break out of the rock any way.
Better yet, why not just cut off his head while he's unconscious?
While Superman tries to superyell his way out of the rock, Billy Anders hobbles around Terra-Man's ship trying to remember whether he had a pet or not... because why waste time trying to escape or getting access to Terra-Man's weapons or broadcasting and SOS? It's like when Patty Hearst was asked why she never tried to get away from the Symbionese Liberation Army when the opportunity presented itself and she explained, "Well, I had this song stuck in my head and I couldn't remember the title."
Fortunately for everyone, the combination of Billy's inability to heal and ill tempered lynx left enough evidence to overcome the telepathic cage's influence.
Once Billy remembers, everyone remembers... "everyone" consisting of Superman having his superstrength restored and Billy's mother suddenly remembering she's going to have to be shoveling lynx shit off the carpet again.
Having completely destroyed one of the greatest geological specimens in the world, Superman hurries to spring Billy from the invisible spaceship, finding it much more easily than he would if there were more than three pages left in the story. Looking around the ship, Superman fiddles with some gadgets and figures out a way to cure Billy and to permanently return his own superstrength.Back to full power, he takes off after Terra-Man, who has stolen an armored boxcar full of one million dollars worth of gold bullion. Of course, Terra-Man could alway patent all the alien technology on his ship and make billions, but that's beside the point. The cowboy lounges atop the boxcar, satisfied with himself when the now fully powered Superman shows up. Facing the much more formidible foe, Terra-Man does what you'd expect...
Completely show up Superman.
Oh, no, Superman! Terra-Man is trying to dump you off the side of a fast moving train? Don't fall or you'll be crush--no, I suppose you wouldn't be, would you? Well, even if you are invulnerable, you'll never catch back up unless you had some kind of superspeed--um... well, don't fall off or your nice clothes will get all dirty... unless you could fly or some--Again, why does Terra-Man suddenly make Superman so damn stupid?
The two wrestle and Terra-Man pulls his gun to shoot Superman with a teleportation bullet that will rip open a wormhole to another dimension, banishing Superman from Earth forever.
19. "Faster than the speed of thought" quickdraw20. Eyesight distortion bullets
21. Transdimensional teleportation bullets
And that's that. Twenty-one powers, abilities, or gadgets, not including the machine that restores superstrength accidentally bestowed upon a ten year old boy and cures completely decimated immune systems allowing a nice little bow to be put on the Billy Anders storyarc debacle and shuffle the damn kid to the bottom of the pile forever.
Really, Superman? Do you think Terra-Man gave you that much credit? Because based on his observations, I think he'd be amazed if you could feed yourself without getting soup all over the dining room floor. When he doubted you could get free from the exile dimension, it may be because there is a doorknob you have to turn to get back and he assumed that was beyond you.
What makes less sense than than a Terra-Man story? The whole "Billy Anders thing." I've done some pretty thorough research--or at least Googled "billy anders" superman--and there's surprisingly little about Clark Kent's sickly neighbor boy and the convoluted story arc involving him, his pet lynx, and Superman's superpower sharing program online.
From what I can tell between my reading of Superman #259 and about five paragraphs of Billy Anders mentions on the web, Billy lived in the same apartment building as Clark Kent. Someone else within the building owned a lynx. Some bad guy attacked the building--I'm assuming trying to get Superman--and Billy was hurt and put into a coma, though his mind was transferred to the lynx.
Billy was eventually able to inhabit his own body again, but only if the lynx was close to his body. Unfortunately, he was still injured from the attack, bedridden and forced to use crutches to get around.
Though it is unclear how, Superman apparently gave Billy some of his superpowers to counteract the injuries. When he wanted to use his powers, Clark Kent would have to think of Billy Anders's lynx, which, honestly, makes as much sense as having to say "Shazam!"
This storyline is considered one of the stupidest in Superman history and lasted only about six months, wrapping up--at least as far as I can tell--in Superman #259 when editors decided to fight stupid with stupid and bring back everyone's favorite magician/alien technology purveyor/wannabe cowboy, Terra-Man.
Our story opens with Terra-Man moping about prison where he's been sitting for nine issues despite having a magical tattoo that harnesses his "thought-waves" and can transport the prison to the middle of a desert while leaving him untouched still on the grounds where it once stood.
It's worth noting the snow on the ground outside where the prison used to be as the prison's furnace breaking during such a horrific coldsnap was what prompted Terra-Man to wish the prison into the sweltering desert. Also, because this is the last time we'll see any snow in the entire issue.
Whistling for his flying horse, Nova, on an ultrasonic frequency, Terra-Man quickly makes his escape, but not after changing out of his prison blues and into his Old West duds so quickly that the prison clothes are still suspended in the air while he is fully dressed in his Terra-Man outfit.
For those keeping track, Terra-Man's powers and abilities so far:
1. Mentally-facilitated, grand-scale transportation of both inanimate and living matter.
2. Ultrasonic whistling
3. Hyperspeed wardrobe changing
When the news breaks that Terra-Man has escaped from jail, it's Clark Kent himself who reports it as anchor of the WGBS news. Two minutes remain in the newscast, but Superman can't wait that long to chase after Terra-Man and ignores the "2 Minutes" sign helpfully displayed by the cue card guy.
Wasting a minute and a half explaining why he wanted to get off the set rather than wait two minutes and getting a minimum wage flunky yelled at for something he didn't do, Clark changes into Superman and flies away "faster than a microwave"--which really isn't that impressive when you consider my microwave hasn't moved from the same spot on the counter for two years--in search of Terra-Man.
Instead, it's Terra-Man who does the finding.
4. Bodily bisection
This seems as good a time as any to point out further why Terra-Man stories are so terrible. Not only does Terra-Man have more powers and gadgets than he could ever use in his lifetime, but Superman inexplicibly becomes Jimmy-Olsen-level incompetent when Terra-Man shows up. Superman can hear a mosquito flap its wing in Burma and read people's lips on other planets, but somehow a cowboy on a flying horse snuck up on and managed to lasso him. I mean, look at Terra-Man and tell me "stealthy" is the first word that pops into your mind. Do you think that guy can do anything without screaming, "Yeeee-HAAAW!" before, during, and after? Then, Superman gets himself sliced in half and Terra-Man then commands the hero's detached legs to go about kicking their former master silly.
5. Dismembered limb manipulation
Superman tries to remove the lasso, but can't without his superstrength. With his "most leathal foe" circling him and his own legs kicking his face in, Superman takes a moment to meditate and think about his neighbor's pet.
6. Hallucinogenic lasso
Completely spent from breaking a rope, Superman loses his superstrength again, but vows to defeat Terra-Man using his other superpowers. Three frames later, he abandons that vow, opting instead to bitch and whine about not having superstrength and not being sure if he can beat Terra-Man without it. Meanwhile, Terra-Man escapes through the use of:
7. Energy beams shot from hooves of flying horse
8. Vanishing dust
It's unclear what exactly is going on when Terra-Man sprinkles himself with some "fadeout powder" and disappears. He may be invisible or he may have transported somewhere. Either way, it's even less clear why he ran away considering Superman had yet to lay a hand on him, was without his superstrength, and didn't seem quite capable of brushing his own teeth, much less fighting a supervillain with 800 pieces of alien technology at his disposal.
The only possible explanation is that Terra-Man was so shocked by Superman's ineptitude that he needed a little time to reflect on it.
9. Telepathy/mind reading
10. Lynx tracking
Yes, Terra-Man realizes there can't be many lynxes in Metropolis and decides he must capture the one that helps give Superman his superstrength. Fortunately, Nova the Flying Horse is also supersensitive to lynxes and immediately takes Terra-Man to Billy Anders's apartment building's roof. From there it's up to Terra-Man to search the apartments and find the lynx.
11. Becoming an invisible smoke wisp
The doctor is making a housecall to check on Billy, whose leg was apparently just sprained in the accident. Unfortunately, his body has lost the ability to heal itself, which makes you wonder what kind of mother thought a nasty tempered lynx would make for a good pet. Oddly, Terra-Man's ethereal form wonders if he might be able to solve the medical mystery that has the doctor stumped. Of course, there's no follow up to this question, but I suppose it's the thought that counts.
Instead of trying to help the child who cannot heal from even the slightest injury, Terra-Man blows open a hole in the wall with an explosive charge from his gun and kidnaps both the lynx and Billy, even though it is clear Billy is just excess baggage that will cause nothing but trouble and may ultimately lead to his downfall.
Part Two
One theme common among the discussions about the Great Curve's top 50 DC characters seems to be "How could I have forgotten about ____?!?!?" With that in mind, I present a character who was only named on one ballot. When I saw his name on the list of characters who'd only garnered one vote, though, I immediately realized how wrong I'd been to leave him off my top fifty. Dear readers, meet Terra-Man.
Terra-Man is a human who was kidnapped and raised by an alien. He later killed the alien and returned to Earth armed with all sorts of alien technology and a wardrobe he appears to have stolen from one of those photography studios at those touristy ghost towns where you can get your sepia toned picture taken and optionally put on a wanted poster.
The reason Terra-Man belongs in the Top 50 is a case of simple precedence. If Superman is on the list, Terra-Man belongs as well, because Terra-Man is to Superman what Superman is to every other criminal.
Superman can always solve a problem by using his x-ray vision to reprogram a computer or his super ventriloquism to speak in a vacuum or pulling off any other impossible stunt by virtue of prefixing any noun with "super" and applying it to the situation. It's obviously frustrating. Just look at Lex Luthor and how insane it makes him to devise countless flawless plans only to have them ruined because he didn't account for superbiorhythm monitoring or supereconomic development.
What Superman does to others, Terra-Man does to Superman. The only difference is that Terra-Man relies on alien technology instead of alien physiology. With two characters calling upon deus ex machina after deus ex machina, Terra-Man comics--such as Superman #250--read a lot like they were cribbed from a transcript of two seven year olds on the playground.
"Ha ha, Terra-Man! I put you in jail!"
"Then I break out."
"You can't! I put you in a cell with no windows."
"Then I call my flying horse to come flap his wings so hard it sucks the wall down!"
"Oh, yeah? Well the guards shoot you and kill you!"
"Nuh-uh. My horse's wings are flapping so hard he blows all the bullets away."
"Well, I'm Superman and his wings can't flap hard enough to blow me away!"
"I pull out my gold tooth and throw it at you--"
"So?"
"Let me finish--and the gold expands until your entire body is covered in gold and you're so heavy you can't even fly anymore."
"But I have superstrength. I can push an entire planet--"
"Too late! I flew away, back to my invisible space ship to get the rest of my alien technology."
"Fine. I fly up to the sun to melt off all the gold. Then I wait for you to come back to Earth and I chase after you."
"And I shoot you in the head!"
"I'm Superman, dummy. I'm bulletproof."
"Yeah... well, this isn't a bullet. It's my special branding iron gun."
"But Superman can't be burned, so you can't brand--"
"Alien technology!"
"Awright... then I'm laying here like I'm dead with your stupid brand on my forehead."
"Ha ha! I defeated Superman. Terra-Man is the best!"
"Not so fast! I grab you by the leg. I was only pretending to be dead and now with my superstrength holding you, you'll never get away."
"Uh-oh, did you say superstrength?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I knew you weren't really dead all along. I was just trying to trick you into using your superpowers."
"Why?"
"Because my branding iron gun also makes you turn old and every time you use your superpowers you get even older."
"What?"
"Ha ha ha, you're an old man and you're going to die of old age before you can beat me."
"I use my x-ray vision to see--."
"My clothes are x-ray proof. Oh, and since x-ray vision is a superpower, you're even older!"
"I don't even want to play anymore..."
"Now, I put on my power glove that makes me even stronger. Strong enough to kill Superman!"
"I don't care."
"Ha ha, I killed Superman!"
"Hey, whatcha guys doin'?"
"What's up, John? I just killed Superman!"
"What? How?"
"Alien technology!"
"That's stupid. You can't kill Superman with alien technology. Only Kryptonite can kill Superman!"
"Shut up! I did too kill Superman."
"No, you shut up. Your alien technology couldn't kill anyone."
"It could kill you! Bang! Bang!"
"And the bullets bounce off Superman!"
"Nuh-uh! You were dead!"
"Yeah, but I just let you kill me so my mutant healing factor could bring me back to life back at full strength!"
"You can't have a mutant healing fac--"
"Guys, there's the bell. Recess is over."
"Okay, Terra-Man, I punch you and I win!"
"Wait, my alien technology stops your punch from--"
"Not this time! You can't use your alien technology when John is around because he makes it not work. Now let's get you back to jail."