Every four years for the last several decades, Americans have to endure listening to soccer fans remind us that "futbol is the most popular game in the world," implying that our apathy toward it is somehow wrong. (I understand the previous sentence implies "Americans" and "soccer fans" are separate entities and that no person can fall into both categories. I understand it and still didn't rewrite it, so you know where I stand.) Bear in mind that pederasty was hugely popular in Greece for centuries and Jerry Lewis is considered a comedic genius in France. One of those things is so disturbing the very mention will make stomachs turn and kill any conversation and the other is having sex with kids. So let's just agree the rest of the world is stupid for liking soccer.

However, because soccer fans are a vocal minority and Hollywood loves to cater to those, the 21st episode of the fifth season of "Quincy, M.E." tried to grab a slice of that hot World Cup excitement. One might expect to see some recognizable soccer stars like Pele or... well, I'm pretty sure there were some other ones. Perhaps a plot where a soccer player dies on the pitch and Quincy has to figure out why? Maybe we'll get a murder at halftime. Can't you just picture the hijinks as Quincy tries to interview some players at practice and they give him a hard time, juggling the ball around him or making him play goalie?

Well, "Deadly Arena" offered none of that. Instead we got botulism, a kid whose hair composed half of her body weight, meandering back story filler, and a romantic subplot between Dr. Pulaski and Oscar Madison.

Let me reiterate. Someone looked at

and
and said, "Dear me, is the air conditioner broken? My goodness, it's getting hot in here." Then, they peppered their flirty dialogue with discussion of the ideal environment for botulism to spawn. Also, at no time is anyone shown playing soccer. There is a girl who kicks around a soccer ball in the parking lot--where she hangs out literally every day and night for a week without her parents noticing--but at no point do we see any on field action.This episode was particularly high in filler. As I was breaking it down, I started to realize how much pointless character backstory is used that has no bearing on the plot whatsoever. Arthur wants to start his own chili brand and retire to a tropical island. The truck driver loves baseball. And a woman who serves no purpose other than to be a third victim of botulism so Quincy can connect some dots gets roughly 45 seconds to jabber on about her husband, her anniversary, her ignorance of soccer, and how many times she's been to this empty stadium instead of the zero her character warranted.

Worst in all this was the fact the Cousin It-haired soccer fan who spends day and night hanging around the stadium parking lot without any adult supervision spends no time explaining that away. Instead, when she winds up in the hospital, the actor playing her father clumsily says, "We thought she was at her aunt's!" completely out of context and gets cut off while delivering the line. No one asks and no one responds, almost as if the character is dead and hasn't caught on yet that no one else can see or hear him because he's a ghost.

How much pointless backstory do the characters yammer on about without contributing anything to the story or the plot? To find out, I edited it all together and found it takes up roughly two minutes less than the above compilation of every pertinent moment of the episode.

It only took five seasons and five episodes, but I finally enjoyed a "Quincy" episode unironically. In "Hot Ice," Quincy stumbles into a diamond smuggling scheme, but refuses to take part in an FBI/Customs Department joint sting operation targeting a mob boss because he'd rather judge the Miss Coroner Pageant. Instead, the Customs agent rope him into the sting against his will and--again, I say this unironically--Agent Nevin is my favorite Quincy supporting character ever. Sorry, Old Window Leaping Ninja, Creepy Ape-Faced Mom Who Yelled At Dr. Asten's Alcoholic Goddaughter For Murdering Her Son, and Badly Dubbed Kung Fu Master. You all just got bumped down a notch. Obviously, I wasn't the only one because he comes back for another episode the next season, which is mind-blowing. Not to get ahead of myself, but it involves jewel smuggling Nazis and mummies.

I probably shouldn't have mentioned that. "Hot Ice" really pales in comparison what without the Nazis or mummies.

Interesting Note: The guy who steals the briefcase/stabs Quincy in the leg/gets judo flipped by Dr. Asten is described in his IMDB bio as being best known for Rover Dangerfield. But stranger than that is if you read his list of credits, the majority are for "Baby V.O." Was he really hired that many times to provide the sound effect of a crying baby from off stage? Can you make a career of that? Or is this a case where he made a crying noise for an episode of "Alice" in 1981, and studios have been using the same recording for three decades the way some laugh tracks today are a recording of an "I Love Lucy" audience from the 1950's.

The next time you hear canned laughter on an episode of "Dog With a Blog," realize almost all those people laughing are probably dead. And turn off "Dog With a Blog." Have some dignity.

I tried to cut together the thirteenth episode of the third season of Quincy, but the final third of it all takes place in a courtroom as Quincy tries to prove a guy's regular beatings of his wife contributed to her later death.

Instead, I decided to focus on how much empty silence there is in this episode.

Three years after addressing the topic of parents beating their kids, Quincy flipped the script for the twelveth episode of the fifth season and addressed kids beating their parents. The topic of elder abuse, however, gets muddied as the writers send Quincy on a quest to learn more about the subject and introduce a second plot about two spinsters who are being starved to death and robbed by a nephew who is so transparently evil that calling his character one-dimensional is attributing it too much depth.

But thing really go off the rails when they lose focus and attempt to tackle the subject of growing old and feeling unwanted and unneeded in general by shoehorning in a tertiary plot based no doubt on some human interest article one of them read about a program that brings together elderly people and abused children and the benefits to both. It is dense with statistics and specific details and introduces new characters, one of whom makes it into more than one scene. It goes like this:

The woman who serves as Quincy's expert on elderly abuse and aging runs a home where elderly people come hang out during the day and do arts and crafts and teach some of their skills in guitar making to abused kids. She wants the county to hire elderly people to staff at least some of its new community center for abused children, but they aren't going to do so because the county has an "old people are worthless and feeble" policy. Also, a guy brings his daughter to the house because her mom smacks her around while he's a work and the girl meets an old lady who helps mend her doll and the old lady gives the mom some motherly advice and agrees to come stay with the girl and her sister while the mom and dad go on vacation because that will stop the mom from being abusive and the county guy witnesses this and decides to hire elderly people for 20% of the staff.

That is longer than the description of most full episodes and yet I was able to remove all traces of it from the edit below and not affect the story arc.

You may recognize Mr. Coogan as "Blue" from Old School or the rich husband of Jennifer Coolidge who likes soup in Best of Show or from any number of the more than 100 roles he's played in movies and TV shows, all of which were old men. Patrick Crenshaw first played a character called "Grandpa" in a 1970 episode of "Green Acres" titled "The Picnic." Through his death in 2005 (and the release of his final movie Air Buddies in 2006), he played such varied roles as:
Old Man
The Old Man
Grandpa
Gramps
Old Man
Grandpa
Ancient Sorter
Old Man
Elderly Man
Old Man
Old Man
Pappy
Old Man
Man Dying in Elevator
Old Man
Codger
Old Gentleman
Old Man
Pop
Old Bail Boy
Old Man
Old Man
Miles Hollings in the "Monk" episode "Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man"

Mock if you wish, but how many actors can work steadily for 35 years (and he worked for years before that, just not in roles where the character's name is a clear indicator that he's extremely old), much less consistently playing "probably won't be alive much longer?"

Also, what's the deal with the birthday party at the end? That seems to be the Quincy writers' room go to denouement scene. "How do we wrap this up? We need an excuse to get people together in a room where they can all discuss the outcome of the subplot endeavors and get a happy ending."
"Birthday party!"
"We've given no indication that anyone's birthday is coming up. And why would the family of a man who committed suicide because his son beat him attend the birthday party of a woman they've never met whose nephew was stealing from her. And why would the detectives and Quincy's co-workers be there?"
"Birthday party!"

As I was editing this one, I realized it wasn't living up to my memory of it. "A Good Smack in the Mouth" is from the second season. Watching in order, it stands out because of its over-the-top melodrama and Quincy's righteous crusade to save a kid from child abuse even if it means kidnapping the kid and having the police cover for him. When I first watched it, I tweeted that it would have been more subtle to have Jack Klugman stare directly into the camera and scream, "CHILD ABUSE IS BAD!" for 50 minutes straight.

However, after seeing some of the later episodes from the fourth and fifth seasons, "A Good Smack in the Mouth" is rather discreet.

Most off-putting about this episode is the creepy vibe to Quincy's compassion for the abused Joey. Jack Klugman's interaction with child actors always come off like borderline pedophile. Go watch his interaction with Timmy's sister after her birthday party is ruined. It's even more disturbing when you watch multiple episodes and realize how many women Quincy dates, but never touches or kisses or hugs. I don't know if this was Jack Klugman being overly friendly with child actors or if it was a character trait chosen to illustrate how ill-suited Quincy is to human interaction thus explaining his decision to become a doctor for dead people.

As I watched this episode, I began to wonder how much editing one would need to do to manipulate the scenes of this episode into a disturbing story about a pedophile who becomes obsessed with a boy named Joey but then finds himself competing with the boy's pedophile father for the kid. And in the end, once he wins the boy, he gets bored and sells him to a couple that wants to have sex with a kid.

Answer: Surprisingly little. Many of these scenes are unaltered.Also, they say Joey's name a lot in this episode. Unfortunately, this isn't all of them because I didn't download all 50 minutes of raw footage. This is from about 60% of the episode.

In the third episode of the fourth season, Quincy dedicated an hour to explaining autism to viewers. Eight years later, Dustin Hoffman would win a much-deserved Academy Award for his portrayal of Tom Cruise's autistic brother in Rain Man. Unfortunately, Hoffman must have been too busy shooting Kramer vs. Kramer in 1978 so the casting agents for "Quincy" had to go with a kid who was told to continually wave his hand in front of his own face. He also has an over the top freak out scene that makes the entire episode worth watching. You've certainly heard the comment that an actor was "chewing the scenery." In this case, he chews his co-stars.

On one hand, the show's producers' hearts were in the right place. Autism is still widely misunderstood today and they worked with experts in the field to help educate viewers, but so often the show misses the mark. The premise is based on the idea that an autistic kid died because he was sent to a home for retarded kids and was able to slip away because the caretakers didn't bother to stop him from seeing the combination to a lock on the back gate since they assumed he'd never be able to memorize it.

Quincy and his expert-on-autism friend become convinced that the exact same fate is preordained for another possibly autistic boy who is going to be sent to a home for mentally retarded kids. Because the show is about autism, it gets a pass because people are too concerned about being labeled "insensitive" to criticize. But if the episode was about a guy being hit by a meteor or struck by lightning and Quincy spent 45 minutes shaming the browbeaten bureaucrats who are in charge of an overwhelmed, underfunded observatory or weather station for not being able to take precautions specific to one other person he has convinced himself could someday get hit by a meteor, it would be laughable.

Furthermore, the fact that the "happy" conclusion of Timmy's story arc is "Good news! Your child will never be able to interact with society! He still poses a threat to your friends, neighbors, and yourselves! But there is a 30% chance he might be able to dress himself someday if he gets very specialized training, which he won't be able to start for a year so you'll still be caring for him, the doing of which has essentially destroyed your marriage and driven you to the brink of insanity." And the parents are fucking thrilled! Their prayers have been answered and they're ready to consummate their "not getting a divorce" right there in front of their puzzle-putting-together son and a room full of middle aged men behind a one-way mirror.

Perhaps the epitome of how much the show's good intentions miss their marks comes in the denouement when Quincy tries to make up for Timmy's sister's ruined birthday party. It's supposed to be touching and sweet, but what is creepier than the notion of a 50-something-year-old "friend of the family" getting an eight-year-old girl all dolled up in a fancy dress and taking her to a bar down by the harbor where four other men she's never met are eagerly awaiting her arrival with a birthday cake and her parents are nowhere to be seen?

Bonus Content
You may be thinking, "Hey, that actor playing the autistic kid looks familiar. And so does the girl who arrives at the birthday party a minute and a half in. Where have I seen both of them in another scene together?" That's because two years after this episode aired, they did this:

If the words "Quincy versus a ninja" aren't enough to convince you to spend eight minutes watching this, I'm afraid we can't be friends.

But, just in case, here's a bunch of other reasons:
1. Quincy solves the murder of Not Bruce Lee
2. Quincy bows to all the Japanese people he meets. I could watch Jack Klugman bow to Asians for an hour straight
3. Mako
4. Harold Sakata is clearly reading cue cards and in some cases sounding out the words phonetically
5. Despite that, they still had to bring someone in to dub over Harold Sakata's lines
6. Pretend the date Joanna Kearns mentions is with Alan Thicke as Jason Seaver
7. The most unexpected "murderer reveal" scene outcome of any Quincy episode

Those who follow me on Twitter are all keenly aware that I have spent a significant portion of this summer plowing through Netflix's catalog of "Quincy, M.E." There's no good reason except that I must not like myself very much.

Some episodes are more cringeworthy and cliche-laden than others. It's hard to make a case that you should take 52 minutes to sit down and watch a truly terrible episode. That's why I will periodically be presenting the highlights of especially bad episodes condensed down to 5-10 minutes for the budding Quincy-phile on the go.

I will begin with 1980's "Unhappy Hour," a very special episode about teen alcoholism. While in the first four seasons, "very special" episodes were rare, in the fifth season, the producers dedicated approximately two out of every three episodes to some public service announcement-worthy cause of the day. This might have been to garner more Emmy buzz or it may have been because writing those episodes was so simple since 60% of the dialog sounds like it came straight from pamphlets a showrunner grabbed from some non-profit's office.

"Unhappy Hour" shifts the focus from Quincy to Quincy's boss, Dr. Astin, and his alcoholic teenage niece. It features cutting edge computers, a story of redemption and failure, a mystery, and almost every line you've ever heard from every other after school special, made for TV movie, and junior high health class filmstrip about alcoholism.

Also, one can assume that most of the scenery used in this episode had to be replaced after shooting because of all the teethmarks the actors left.

BONUS CONTENT: Full "It felt like someone was hugging me" monologue:

If there is a better example of a song mailing it in than DJ Kool's "Let Me Clear My Throat," I can't think of it.

1. The song is 95% "The 900 Number" by 45 King (also known as "The Ed Lover Dance Song" to viewers of "Yo! MTV Raps" in the early 90's), which is in itself just a looped sample from Marva Whitney's "Unwind Yourself." The rest is the opening horns from "Hollywood Swingin'" by Kool and the Gang. I grant you that hip hop is rooted in sampling, but these are two well-known samples and had been well-known for years before this song came out.

2. Many of the lyrics are "samples," too. While not lifted as an actual recording, lines like "Can I kick it? (Yes, you can!)" and "I'm in love... I'm all shook up," are familiar lyrics from other songs. Hell, even "Let me clear my throat" was one of Ad Rock's most memorable lines on the Beastie Boys' "License to Ill" album.

3. This song was recorded live in a club, so I supposed it's possible Biz Markie was pulled on stage without any warning and asked to freestyle some rhymes on the spot. I hope this is the case, because that's the only excuse I can think to justify the lack of effort on his part to spin a lyrical masterpiece... or even to make any sense. By his third line, he's resorting to making noises ("Ahhhh-uuuhhh-huh-huh. Remember that?") and a moment later, he admits he's not going to worry about saying anything meaningful because the words don't really matter ("Tick tocka. Tick tocka doodle die, no matter what I say, it always comes out fly"). I also really wonder what the comparison that prompted the simile "The ladies in here are like fruit in a cup" was (other than a meaningless line to rhyme with "shook up").4. Why the hell is this considered a DJ Kool song? Clearly Doug E. Fresh was the only one who really contributed anything. What does Kool need to clear his throat for? It's not like he's saying much other than repeating the same four or five lines ("Here we go now. Here we go now. Here we go now. Here we go now. Here we go now." "Everybody jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump." "Have mercy, babe. I hope ya don't mind.") and shouting out a role call of rappers who apparently had more on their agendas than Doug E. Fresh and Biz Markie that evening. Hell, the crowd has as many lines in this song as DJ Kool does.

Two years ago, Travel Channel watched Guy Fieri on Food Network and said, "Oh, we gotta get one of those." Somehow, they found Adam Richman and gave him instructions to duplicate the mindnumbing boredom of watching a guy travel to different cities and eat stuff like "Diners, Drive-Thrus, and Dives," but to add an element of disgustingness to it. Thus was born "Man Vs. Food."

Now, Adam may be one of the nicest guys in the world. In fact, my friend Thomas met him a few months ago and said as much. However, on the show he's trying so hard to duplicate the low rent Guy Fieri experience--and I can't imagine why anyone would want to do that--that I long for the advent of affordable 3D televisions so I more accurately pretend to punch him in the face from the comfort of my living room.

If you haven't seen it, the concept of the show is to have Adam go to a city every week and seek out three restaurants with some kind of special signature dish. The first 18 minutes of each episode is a straight up travel show. The twist that sets it apart from "Triple D," (as all the cool kids call it) and actually makes it slightly more enjoyable--in the way that a punch in the gut is more enjoyable than a punch in the balls--is that the third restaurant always has some food challenge.

The challenges always fall into one of two categories:
1. Eat way too much food.
2. Eat food that is way too spicy.

In some cases, the challenges are fairly reasonable. These tend to be longstanding challenges that restaurants have had for years. Others are suspicious, and one wonders if they were made up just to attract attention from the "Man vs. Food" producers. When no one has ever succeeded at your challenge, maybe it's time to admit that serving nine pounds of meat between the equivalent of two loaves of bread on a bed of two pounds of French fries with a half gallon of coleslaw that must all be eaten within 30 minutes isn't a "challenge" as much as an impossible task.

Likewise, I hate watching the spicy challenges where someone takes good food and goes out of their way to make it inedible by dumping two pounds of spices into it. What's the point? "Look at how tender this pulled pork is... and now I'm going to completely fuck it up so you can't taste it." Why not just invite Adam in to drink a quart of pureed habaneros and forget the whole facade of it being a food challenge?

But the part of the show I hate most is the clips they feel compelled to include of locals watching Adam take part in the challenges. They tend to fall into one of two categories:
1. I don't really want to say anything, but since you're putting a camera in my face I will give you an opinion on whether or not I think Adam will succeed.
2. Please, please, please, Mr. Producer, put me on a basic cable television show for two seconds. I will read whatever scripted lines you have for me or act stupid and/or slutty if necessary.

Furthermore, those two categories can be broken down into smaller subcategories. Watch the below montage and follow along:
1. Adam is the man.
2. I've seen The Waterboy and deserve to be on TV because of it.
3. Adam can do it.
4. Kids who've had cameras in their faces because adults told them to be cute.
5. I can read a clock.
6. Skepticism.
7. If I interrupt Adam and speak directly to him, they'll have to put me on TV.
8. I'm a cute girl who wants to be on TV so badly I'll pretend to be attracted to Adam.
9. I'm drunk.

While the repetitive categorical style of the comments on every show is annoying, a few soundbites find a way to be even more grating than usual.

0:30 -She says she knows he can eat this entire burger, then adds "If you can do this, you can do anything." If we extrapolate that statement, she believes--nay, knows Adam Richman is omnipotent.

1:15 - That guy took a lot of time to think up what he was going to say to Adam, but didn't stop to consider how he would exit the stage.

1:18 - Why? Why the fuck are they chanting "USA! USA!"? Is that just a reflex in that part of the country? Is this what Sarah Palin meant by "Real America?"

2:00 - You know what? I think maybe Adam really is the nicest guy in the world for the fact he didn't punch his producers the minute they let this drunk idiot come anywhere near him. His ability to humor Drunky while trying to eat six-pounds of burrito meat is more impressive than if he'd finished the burrito.

My kids finally convinced me to watch an episode or two of Nickelodeon's new show, "Victorious," with them yesterday. I had seen a few minutes from the end of another episode and wasn't too impressed. Like many of Dan Schneider's other shows (iCarly, Drake & Josh, Zoey 101) the funny scripts took a hit from poor teenage overacting--except for anything with Gibby in it on "iCarly." That kid is fucking hilarious.

That's not to say I wasn't interested in "Victorious," just for the wrong reason. The only thing I knew about it was that its star, Victoria Justice, had previously guest-starred on an episode of "iCarly" where she wore a sports bra for 80% of the show and made me feel like 100% of a creepy perv for the rest of the week."Victorious" wouldn't make me feel much different. I wasn't prepared for was the highly sexualized content in a show about a half-dozen sexy teenagers who go to a performing arts school. Of course, I'm far from the type to jump on a soapbox and decry how we're corrupting our youth. Instead, I want to know where the hell were shows like this when I was fourteen? Do you know how hard it was to masturbate to "Saved By the Bell" and "Double Trouble?"

In this particular episode, the kids went to the beach in an RV and, in a take on the classic trope of "people getting locked in stuff" (i.e. walk-in freezers, bank vaults, elevators stuck between floors) another RV parks beside them while they are getting ready, preventing them from getting the door open. The air conditioner doesn't work and the windows can't be opened, which is all an excuse for flat-stomached teenage girls in bikinis to lounge about getting sweaty.Meanwhile, one of the girls had already left the RV to go pee, serving as a reverse McGuffin that the trapped characters must wait to find and save them. Unfortunately, she gets sidetracked when she bumps into four hot dudes on the beach and...

Whoa...

Um, I mean what really caught my eye was that sexy hip shake. That is not something a cold person does to get warm. That is something a drunk sorority girl does when she's trying to win a wet T-shirt contest.And just in case that was too subtle, the four guys then surround her for a Supersoaker circle jerk.Now, I'll grant you the Ghost homage was pretty funny, though I doubt any of the kids watching the show got it... which indicates to me that the producers understand, "While our target audience might be kids, a significant portion of our viewers are creepy dudes in their 30's and 40's who want to see sexy teenagers, so throw in a few jokes for them, too."

And once you realize that, it's hard not to overanalyze everything else. Why does the pottery guy later emphasize his desire to "glaze" her pot for her? Why do the four guys want to eat tuna with the girl? When they get snowcones, is there something symbolic about her getting cherry? She sure is eager to get rid of her cherry (snowcone) since she gets a brainfreeze from eating it so fast.

And of all the images to include in a montage...... I guess it could be worse.

For the first 55 minutes of Red Skelton's More Funny Faces, Red treated his audience to bad jokes--when he could manage to tell them between overpowering guffaws of fake laughter--and pantomime performances by three other people, despite the fact the audience was there to see him. Imagine if Guns and Roses--the real band, not Axl and the guys he playing with today--reunited and were playing to a sellout crowd. But after playing a quick, poorly rehearsed medley of "Yesterdays," "Civil War," and "You Could Be Mine," they brought out a trained dog act. After that, they return to the stage for a half-assed, flat, out-of-tune rendition of "Paradise City." After that, more dog acts, including a few routines featuring Izzy Stradlin and his four Pomeranians.

While the G&R crowd probably would have burned the building to the ground, Red Skelton's audience couldn't have been happier. Because, as we've previously stated, the 1970's were completely devoid of entertainment. Fucking "Three's Company" was a top rated show!

Now, imagine Guns and Roses is coming back to the stage. Axl offers a heartfelt thank you to everyone for supporting the band and shares how great he felt when Appetite for Destruction and how much it meant for him and how often people come up to tell him about how much they love the album... then detours into a political rant that kind of misses the mark because he's trying to relate "Sweet Child O' Mine" to support for a school voucher program. Finally, the familiar opening chords of "Sweet Child O' Mine" blast from the amps...

And after about sixteen bars, the band stops and everyone leaves the stage.

That is essentially how Red Skelton closes More Funny Faces.

In short, "This is my most popular character. Everyone loves this character. Even people who aren't fans love this character, and since you guys are fans I can only imagine how much you love this character. Let me put on the costume I always wear when portraying my most popular, most beloved character. We should do away with welfare, Medicare, and civil rights. Okay, are you ready? Here it is... my most popular character... good night!"

You have to assume that people willing to pay a lot of money to trudge out into a packed amphitheater in the dead of winter in Toronto to see a hack comedian twenty years past his prime are pretty hardcore fans. If they get nothing else, they're going to want to get some Freddy the Freeloader.

Instead, Red Skelton gives them a Freddy cocktease. And he didn't even take the time to make the eye makeup not look like shit. What a fucking asshole.

I also find it interesting that instead of performing as Freddy the Freeloader, he opted to discuss what Freddy the Freeloader means in terms of Skelton's own right wing politics. It should be noted that Skelton was a pretty hardcore conservative who got upset that he couldn't bring on Spiro Agnew and blamed liberals within CBS for the cancellation of his show in 1971.

However, the character is Freddy the Freeloader. He's a panhandler who steals from people. He may have a heart of gold, but at his core he is a layabout beggar who leeches off the more productive within society. One cannot make the case that "he doesn't ask anyone to provide for him." In fact, that's exactly what he does. He's not Freddy the Guy With a Steady Job That Pays the Bills.

The more disturbing belief of Freddy--and by extension of you and me and a little bit of all of us--is that he doesn't want equal rights. Freddy the Freeloader understands that some people don't want to have to look at a filthy hobo while they're eating their lunches, so he's willing to eat out back behind the restaurant, and he can't understand why the darkies can't do the same without raising a fuss. Freddy the Freeloader knows he's not as good as the rich, prominent, heterosexual white men who run the country and wishes the poor, gays, blacks, and women would accept the same!

If this is Red Skelton's most popular, most beloved character who symbolizes all that Red believes and stands for, then fuck you, Red Skelton, fuck you in hell.

Red Skelton's More Funny Faces began as a terribly unfunny observation of what comedy used to be in a time when people were so starved for amusement that "Chico and the Man" was considered groundbreaking entertainment.

After some bland jokes covering hot topics like bad women drivers and drunks, Red manages to throw in an appearance by one of his famous characters, Clem Kadiddlehopper, which the people of 1979 react to as though Santa Claus and Jesus jointly announced that everyone was getting a new Rolls Royce made out of orgasms with all-winning-lottery-ticket interiors.

Before I share the comedic brilliance of Clem Kadiddlehopper, let me share a story. In fourth, fifth, sixth, eighth, and tenth grade, I remember doing poetry lessons that included "Beans" poems. The idea of the poetry lessons was to teach us about different styles of poems and to have us write our own sonnets, haikus, limericks, etc.

The "Beans" poem was a standard part of this curriculum, I assume because it was the easiest to mimic. The poem was just a list of types of beans (pinto beans, green beans, baked beans, kidney beans, etc.) with the ending "Most of all/Best of all/I like jelly beans." The assignment was to pick a different thing and make a list of types of that thing, then end with some kind of twist thing that shared the name but didn't quite fit, like big dogs, little dogs, fluffy dogs, mean dogs, but last of all, best of all, I like hot dogs! Or:

Tough jobs,
Cushy jobs,
Part-time retail jobs,
Fat cat desk jobs-
Those are just a few.

Mall jobs,
Office jobs,
Low-paying menial jobs,
Afterschool jobs,
Dirty jobs too.

Temp jobs,
Service jobs,
Don't forget freelance jobs.

Last of all,
Best of all,
I like blowjobs!

Why did I take the time to go off on this tangent? Because that poem that I spent three minutes writing represents about the same level of effort that Red put into his bit featuring his second most popular character ever.

As I noted last time, proponents of Red Skelton like to point to the fact that his material is safe enough to share with your children. That's largely because it written at the same intellectual level as children. "I'll read a poem about frogs that doesn't entirely make sense--"Mom says no but then there's Dad." Huh?--then I'll have a bunch of frog puppets pop up from behind the couch and I'll shoot them with a toy gun," could easily be the plot of my daughter's next "play" that she'll perform in the family room.

At least Clem Kadiddlehopper is a notable Red Skelton character. Where More Funny Faces really goes off the rails is when Red takes a break and hands over roughly twenty minutes of his hour long special to mimes.I'll just go ahead and assume you didn't watch that entire video. It says something about the absolute lack of entertainment in the 1970's that anyone knows Marcel Marceau's name. How many other famous mimes can you name? Do you think there's a reason for that?

Every couple of years, America will take an interest in some foreign country and try to co-opt bits of its culture. In the mid-80's everyone was saying, "G'day, mate," every restaurant tried to incorporate some variation of "shrimp on the barbie," Fosters beer sales went from absolutely nothing to slightly more than nothing, and Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious enjoyed careers as film stars. A few years later, sushi restaurants and karate dojos began popping up in every strip mall. In the 60's, the British Invasion hit America and somewhere in the 1970's someone decided what America really needed was wine bars, fondue sets, and mimes.

Fuck but the 1970's sucked! Oh, and what's the deal with those fucking stupid mime outfits with long sleeves but the low-cut scoop front that exposes the 1970's forest of chest hair? It serves no practical purpose other than to announce, "I am a mime. You can tell because I am wearing a lycra mime outfit! You know... in case the fucking white makeup didn't tip you off."

Marcel Marceau does another routine where he acts as a lion tamer and a mime couple does some kind of routine where she's a balloon and he's got her by a string. When Red Skelton comes out between their acts, he engages in pantomime himself. As we all know, the key to good mime is not speaking. One must show and not tell. Only through the actions can the audience relate to the performer. If you have to explain it, you suck at miming.

With that in mind, please listen to Red's intro to his Eiffel Tower pantomime routine.I propose that all entertainment be given the same treatment. At the beginning of a movie, there should be a short clip of the director saying something like, "Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I am so happy you came to see Usual Suspects. This is the story of five career criminals who wind up in a very sticky situation, working for a mysterious man named Keyser Soze. Some people debate whether Keyser Soze even exists, and he does. In fact, what you'll find is that Kevin Spacey's character, Verbal Kint, is actually Keyser. I think you'll really enjoy that twist. Okay, again, thanks for coming and I hope you enjoy The Usual Suspects."

And, just in case making people who paid money to come watch you perform sit through half an hour of mime while you chill in your dressing room isn't insult enough, Red Skelton saved the biggest fuck you for the last five minutes.

Next time: Red Skelton, Cock Tease

If I could go back in time and punch anyone from history in the face, it would be Red Skelton.

Skelton is known as a classic American comedian by those who have never seen him or have no idea what humor is. If you look up his DVDs on Amazon or Netflix, you will find overwhelmingly positive 4-to-5 star reviews, but if you actually read them you'll find they are written only by the people who are so devoid of any taste that they could actually sit through an entire hour of this tripe.

The key thing you will notice in every positive review is a harkening back to "the good old days when comedians didn't have to work blue to be funny." They'll lament that "the youth of today have been poisoned by the lack of censorship" and "good clean humor seems to have left the public venue of entertainment" and "it is so sad that comedians now have to use profanity to make people laugh" Again and again, the endorsement you will see most often is "you can let your kids watch this and not worry that they'll be exposed to anything offensive."

True, Red Skelton won't bust out Carlin's "7 Words" or Patton Oswalt's "A Blowjob Behind the Tilt-a-Whirl." But suggesting that anything Skelton does or says is superior to either of those routines merely because of a lack of words deemed inappropriate by arbitrary standards of an uptight minority is either dishonest or moronic.

Those who claim Skelton's humor is funny--or more importantly funnier than modern comedians--do so with that same condescending moralizing and unconvincing zealotry of vegans insisting grilled eggplant tastes better than steak.

I first was exposed to and became dangerously obsessed with Red Skelton in 1997. I went to Los Angeles for a job interview with Fox Sports Net and stayed with my friend, Dan, at his apartment near USC. After dinner, we were hanging out debating what to do and a Red Skelton special called More Funny Faces came on PBS. We didn't change the channel immediately because we started discussing the fact that we'd both heard of Red Skelton and knew him as a comedy legend, but that neither of us were familiar with any of his material. As because of our hesitation, I have wasted countless years of my life hating Red Skelton.

Within the first two minutes of More Funny Faces, we knew we wouldn't be doing anything else for the rest of the evening.

The performance is like opening a time capsule. Presented without any context it gives a baffling look into the terribly entertainment-starved decade of the 1970's. Skelton's opening is a series of jokes that are typical old school stand up. For the last two decades, comedians have come to focus more on routines, taking a subject and making multiple humorous observations about it, rather than just telling jokes that have a set up and a punchline and are completely unrelated to the previous or following joke. Also, modern comedians' routines tend to focus on personal experiences or experiences to which we can all relate as opposed to "three guys walk into a bar"-type jokes.

Or in Red's case, "two seagulls are flying together"-type jokes.

It's not really fair to criticize Skelton for not being funny here because the humor style has changed. However, it's interesting to observe what an unprofessional demeanor he has by today's standards. Even hacks like Carlos Mencia and Dane Cook wouldn't set up a bit by saying, "Oh, I got a joke for ya. I got a joke for ya." Of course you do. That's why the audience is there. You are on stage with a microphone and they paid money to sit in a room and hear you tell jokes. The statement "I got a joke for you," delivered with that spur-of-the-moment-inspiration tone implies you are up there half-assing it with no planned script and are happy giving us whatever pops into your age-addled mind.

Also, imagine David Cross laughing so hard at his jokes that it looks like he may wet his pants. Red has been doing some of these routines for fifty years, yet he cackles at the audience like he just heard them himself at every punchline.With the exception of the final mug to the audience in that clip, Red never does this during his pantomimes (yeah... more on that next time), so it's clearly a conscious decision on his part.

If this was all More Funny Faces had to offer, it would have quickly faded from our memories, forgiven for its slice of terrible reminder that the 1970's existed, but as you can guess from the fact that Dan and I still discuss it and analyze it the way two war veterans might recall seeing an child run into the crossfire of a gun battle on the streets of Kabul, it got much, much worse.

Next time: Fourth grade poetry and mimes!

ADDED: It has been pointed out to be by a horrified reader that Red's elephant and hippopotamus joke from the above clip is more commonly told with a racist theme, substituting a person of Jewish heritage for the elephant and an African-American for the hippo.

Mind? Blown.

The other night, I was watching "Louie" and saw a commercial for that new Christopher Nolan film about inhabiting dream worlds where nothing makes logical sense and everything is surreal. What's it called?

Oh, right. The 2010 Major League All-Star Game on Fox.

Who is this ad supposed to appeal to? Nothing seems to make sense. I understand the message is "The All-Star Game is in California and most of the people east of the Pacific Time Zone think the entire state is one big beach, so use that to sell the idea," but there are so many conflicting messages.

When your sport that used to be known as "the national past time" now can't draw flies, when the records that were held sacred to fans for decades have been shattered by men we now all know were chemically enhanced superfreaks that the league tries to pretend never existed, when your steadfast devotion to traditionalism and rejection of technology robbed a player of a one of your sports greatest achievements--a perfect game--what do you think would be the worst possible symbolic message you could send fans?




Gaze ye upon my works and despair! I'm going to go with "showing everything associated with baseball crumbling to dust." The only way this symbolism could be more clear would be if Peyton Manning jogged through at the end of the commercial and knocked over the sand stadium.

Just as God created Adam from clay, so, too, are Chase Utley, Hanley Ramirez, and other top players formed from dirt. This game's being played at the Angels' stadium, right? They can't play on the beach...

Hey, guys! You like hot chicks? Good news because one of our greatest pitchers looks kind of like this hot chick! See?


The Kaiser has returned! He's ben hibernating beneath the sands of Southern California beaches and the only ones who can stop him are Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter!

Oh, I take it back. The stadium is on the beach. At least in the sense that all of California is a huge beach where people hang out in swimsuits all day and try to give gays the right to marry--at least, that's what it is if you live in Missouri and have never been there.

Sorry, buddy. Tonight, when she's with you, she'll be thinking about us. That's right. Major League Baseball is gonna fuck your girlfriend if you're not careful.

What the fuck? Where did the mutant kid come from? We just saw this stadium rise up from the dirt and tower over people. Now a kid who is taller than the stadium walks up to adorn it with an Angels logo. Is this a world within a world twist? It's like in Men in Black when the galaxy was in the charm on the cat's collar, but then in the end we saw that the Milky Way was inside a marble that alien kids were playing with.

My take on this is that all the people on the beach in the earlier scenes, including the players, are all figments of the imagination of an autistic child--like the finale of "St. Elsewhere."

And where the fuck are this kid's legs? The distance from the bottom of his rib cage to the ground is about the same as the height of his head. That means everything from penis down has been lopped off. Holy shit! Somebody chopped an autistic child in half, but keeps him alive to build elaborate sand castles that he populates with his imagination. That shit makes the Saw movies downright reasonable.

If you watch any sports on TV in Phoenix, it's only a matter of time before you see the ad for the hand surgeon who specializes in carpal tunnel. For absolutely no reason, the commercial ends with a shot of his entire family dressed like they just got out of church or are on their way to Olan Mills, and his littlest daughter snuggles up to him and says, "Daddy's baby girl!"

I was trying to explain to my friends how often this happens in the world of local TV ads. You go out to shoot a commercial for some car dealer or furniture store and when you arrive, they have their cousins and neighbors and high school friends all there wanting "ta be onna TV box!" In Panama City, we had a guy who wrapped his dog up in a blanket and held it like a newborn baby while he talked about his mattress store, but no commercial was more blatant about shoving in family just to get them on TV than Jeff Richards when I was in Yuma.

I've been going through some old video tapes and hope to find more gems like this.

Some people wonder why I am the way that I am. To help explain, I offer this example of a 20-second slice of a typical day in the life of Jake.

Play it three times in a row and you'll see what a minute of my life is like. Do it 180 for an hour of my life. 4320 will give you a day, and 1,576,800 will give you a year. Then let's see how cheery and happy-go-lucky you are.

Back in 2002, my general manager took me off the air for a month or two in an effort to make me and my fellow sports anchor, Scott Rossman, miserable enough to quit. However, my news director found ways to get me on the air doing feature stories in which I didn't actually appear. My motivation for most of them was to piss off my GM. Since Jack, the news director, was kind of fed up with the GM as well, he thoroughly enjoyed using me as a not-so-silent weapon.

One morning during spring break, Jack brought me a press release about a promotional booth Calgon was running on the beach. The "Ultimate Shower" offered the opportunity to shower with a model (and learn all about Calgon products). I decided to make it all about pissing off our ultra-conservative viewers by being news on small town television.

We did get complaints about the story, but not because of my nudity. People called to say the girls were "nasty." When producer Rebecca pointed out, "You do realize they were wearing bikinis while Jake was naked," no one seemed to care.

Upfront, I have to admit I don't listen to a lot of "new" music. By the time something hits my radar, it's usually been out for a couple of years. Going through my listing of all the MP3s I own dated 2009, 149 are from The 99 Most Essential Tchaikovsky Masterpieces and 50 Essential Classical Film Moments. If I were to pick my favorite album I bought this year, I'd probably lean toward Bongo Rock by The Incredible Bongo Band, a 2006 collection of music from the late 60's and early 70's.

With that substantial warning tag, here are my eight favorite songs of 2009:

Gameplay Music/Theme from I MAD3 A GAM3 W1TH ZOMBIES 1N IT!!!1
Xbox Live players could download this game for one dollar, as the theme will inform you. When I first saw people linking to gameplay video, it took two or three viewings before I realized the fun of the lyrics about making a game with zombies in it.

We Will Robot Rock You from DJ Hero (Daft Punk vs. Queen)
As long as we're talking about music from video games, here's a video game ad that lasts about a minute, which means I spent easily two hours of the past year listening to this song. I really don't want to play DJ Hero, because I'm certain I'll suck at it. I just want them to release the MP3s of all the mash-ups done for the game, starting with this one!


Like a Life on a Prayer by [MMM] MadMixMustang
Staying on the topic of mash-ups, a significant chunk of my hard drive was taken over by downloads from Bootie USA thanks to monthly reminders from Chris Sims on Twitter whenever new collections are available. My favorite of the 2009 additions was this soulful mix of my favorite Bon Jovi song with a nod to Madonna at the end.


Never Gonna Give Your Teen Spirit Up (Rick Astley vs. Nirvana) by DJ Morgoth
This is a more straight up A+B mash-up, but is done excellently and was a nice change of pace from normal rickrolling.


Hurt Feelings by Flight of the Conchords
Kicking off the "stuff I actually paid for" portion of the list is my favorite song off Flight of the Conchords newest album, I Told You I Was Freaky. There are a few good songs--maybe not as many as last year's self-titled album--but the clincher for me was the heartfelt cries of "I'm a man! I'll try a small men's wet suit!" and "The day after my birthday is not my birthday, mum!"


Science is Real by They Might Be Giants
I've been a big TMBG fan since I first heard Ana Ng in junior high and I've been kind of torn by the fact that they've done so much kids' music in recent years. On one hand, it gives me a chance to expose my kids to TMBG, but, on the other, I want some music for me. This year's Here Comes Science is another kids' album, but it covers topics that a lot of adults might find a little too intellectual.


Storm by Tim Minchin
For a more adult version of the above song--and by that I mean fuller and more thorough, not pornographic--check out Tim Minchin's tribute to rationality.


If I Didn't Have You by Tim Minchin
Minchin's Are You Ready for This? was my favorite album this year. His humor and ability to address serious topics in a well-thought-out and reasonable way that cuts the legs out from under opposition. In this song, he explains why many love songs are statistically wrong. Other great songs from the album include The Good Book, laying out many of the flaws in the bible, Confessions, one man's attempt to reconcile the passion he knows he should have to fix all the things he knows are bad in the world with his true passion, and A Song For Phil Daoust, an open letter to a critic. When I hear it, I change the name "Phil Daoust" to "Terry Cole." I'm sure there's someone in your life you'll be able to substitute into the lyrics.

When I saw Star Trek this summer, one of the first things I said when I left was "How many times did Kirk hang on for his life from something by his fingertips?" Rewatching it the other night reminded me, so I compiled this:

Answer: 6, though only 5 where his life was in danger.