The other night, I was watching "Louie" and saw a commercial for that new Christopher Nolan film about inhabiting dream worlds where nothing makes logical sense and everything is surreal. What's it called?

Oh, right. The 2010 Major League All-Star Game on Fox.

Who is this ad supposed to appeal to? Nothing seems to make sense. I understand the message is "The All-Star Game is in California and most of the people east of the Pacific Time Zone think the entire state is one big beach, so use that to sell the idea," but there are so many conflicting messages.

When your sport that used to be known as "the national past time" now can't draw flies, when the records that were held sacred to fans for decades have been shattered by men we now all know were chemically enhanced superfreaks that the league tries to pretend never existed, when your steadfast devotion to traditionalism and rejection of technology robbed a player of a one of your sports greatest achievements--a perfect game--what do you think would be the worst possible symbolic message you could send fans?




Gaze ye upon my works and despair! I'm going to go with "showing everything associated with baseball crumbling to dust." The only way this symbolism could be more clear would be if Peyton Manning jogged through at the end of the commercial and knocked over the sand stadium.

Just as God created Adam from clay, so, too, are Chase Utley, Hanley Ramirez, and other top players formed from dirt. This game's being played at the Angels' stadium, right? They can't play on the beach...

Hey, guys! You like hot chicks? Good news because one of our greatest pitchers looks kind of like this hot chick! See?


The Kaiser has returned! He's ben hibernating beneath the sands of Southern California beaches and the only ones who can stop him are Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter!

Oh, I take it back. The stadium is on the beach. At least in the sense that all of California is a huge beach where people hang out in swimsuits all day and try to give gays the right to marry--at least, that's what it is if you live in Missouri and have never been there.

Sorry, buddy. Tonight, when she's with you, she'll be thinking about us. That's right. Major League Baseball is gonna fuck your girlfriend if you're not careful.

What the fuck? Where did the mutant kid come from? We just saw this stadium rise up from the dirt and tower over people. Now a kid who is taller than the stadium walks up to adorn it with an Angels logo. Is this a world within a world twist? It's like in Men in Black when the galaxy was in the charm on the cat's collar, but then in the end we saw that the Milky Way was inside a marble that alien kids were playing with.

My take on this is that all the people on the beach in the earlier scenes, including the players, are all figments of the imagination of an autistic child--like the finale of "St. Elsewhere."

And where the fuck are this kid's legs? The distance from the bottom of his rib cage to the ground is about the same as the height of his head. That means everything from penis down has been lopped off. Holy shit! Somebody chopped an autistic child in half, but keeps him alive to build elaborate sand castles that he populates with his imagination. That shit makes the Saw movies downright reasonable.